Lonely

If I'm completely honest, I'm lonely.

Life is amazingly wonderful and I am blessed beyond measure with a new job that I LOVE, kids who are pretty funny and love each other so well (most of the time), a husband who is steady and kind, cheers for me constantly, and so many other things.

But . . . I'm lonely.

My friends?
-2 live across the country (literally) and have busy lives of their own.
-1 is too busy taking a class and told me she had to focus until November.
-1 is in the midst of a huge life change and has a lot on her plate.

Yep, that's my current situation. 4 best friends, not connecting with any of them.

Since leaving my old job my "friends" from work have sadly become people who I follow on Facebook from a distance.  My table group from Biblestudy last season will continue to meet as I have to sit this year out due to school schedules. My running friends . . . well, when all you have in common is running and you haven't been running, it's a little hard to connect.

When the hubby and I were out on a date last week, I almost starting crying at a locally brewery. Yes, I have him and he is my best friend but its not his job to be my only friend or to have to take on the role that girlfriends should have in my life. He is an amazing listener but he can't meet all my needs for connection and relational intimacy.

So yeah, life is so amazingly good and incredible, but it's also lonely and quiet.

Being Real

Tonight I cried in class, in front of my students.

I was facilitating a discussion about ethics in the NICU and was sharing about how our book encouraged physicians to come alongside of parents and share the burden of withdrawing support for their baby. The book illustrates how when physicians help carry the weight of withdraw, parents feel less guilt and responsibility.

As I was teaching my lesson, one of my students spoke up. She had to make the decision to withdraw support from her child who was terminally ill years ago. Our conversation struck a chord within her and she was overcome with emotion and had to walk out of our class. Her response overwhelmed me and I felt so helpless. I really didn't know what to do or how to respond (we all know how horrible I am at showing emotion). As my students looked to me for what to do, I asked if we could pray for their classmate. I had no clue what else to do. They all agreed.

As I prayed, asking God to wash his peace over my student, I broke. My student had made a decisions that none of us ever want to make. As I asked God for His peace, His guidance, His comfort, I was overwhelmed with His ability to provide those things. I was overwhelmed with His presence with us in the deepest valleys and the darkest of days. When that horrible decision had to be made, He was with her. His constant presence in our lives, through the worst of the worst, it amazes me. As I struggled to find the words to pray, the words to ask for peace, the words begging for God to use us in the lives of these children and their families, my heart just broke.

As we engage with families and patients going through the worst season of their lives, He is with us. He calls us to comfort the broken heart to proclaim freedom for the prisoner. (Isaiah 61) Maybe that freedom is physical freedom from the prison of disease and pain. Maybe it is a physical freedom from the suffering of this life. He has called us to comfort those who mourn. He calls us to "bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair." I've always loved these verses, but tonight they came alive in a new way.

In the field that HE has called me to, there are times where I am literally working with children who have been burned and disfigured from fire. When there is fire, there is ash. He sees beauty in these kids who have been disfigured and whose physical body is anything but beautiful. And yet He sees their beauty and calls me to do the same. I've worked with so many families who have experienced despair and loss and grief . . . these families often feel hopeless and lost and forgotten. Still He calls me. He calls me to help restore joy and wholeness, to provide a means to navigate through situations that test their very being.

As I think about tonight's class I am reminded of the importance of being real, of allowing myself to feel deeply and to allow the Holy Spirit to work in me . . . even if that means letting myself cry. In front of my students! Once we were able to compose ourselves we had the most amazing conversation about the confidence we have in Christ. We talked about the hope of something more, the hope of heaven and wholeness. The reassurance and peace that comes from knowing that someone bigger than ourselves has a plan and is control.

Endings

2 weeks ago I ended job #2. I said "goodbye" to my precious families and thanked each parent for welcoming me into their home and for trusting me with their sweet child. It was a job that I took because I needed a change and it happened to pay really well. I had no clue what I was doing but quickly came up with themes and ideas and did my best to create lasting memories for my families. It was definitely challenging at times to come up with new materials, to play for a child for an hour, to carry the session as most of my patients couldn't see, speak, hear, etc. I learned so much. That job taught me to value each moment. To love each kid. To treat each patient as if they were able-bodied and to show their parents that the life of their child mattered. I learned to slow down, to be intentional and to show love to these strong and mighty parents each week.

Now I have 2 weeks left of job #1. I've been there for 10 1/2 years and almost 9 of those years have been spent in the Emergency Department. It's bittersweet to think of leaving the place that has become like home; the place where I grew as a specialist and figured out how to really do my job and do it well. I have been blessed to work alongside of some of the most incredible nurses who are smart and strong and so very good at what they do. These ladies (and a few men too) save lives on the daily. They give everything they have to love and care for their patients and working with them has been such an amazing experience. My life is richer and I am stronger and better because of them!

Last night one of my favorite physicians was on and when I left I began to feel that bit of sadness creep up, knowing that we may never work together again. How does one begin to say "thank you" to the nurses and doctors who I worked alongside the last 9 years? Do I leave a card? Do I bring a treat? How do you let them know just how appreciate they are?!?!

I suck at "goodbye". I much prefer to just sneak away and not have to deal with the emotions and feeling that are associated with last days and goodbyes. A whole chapter of my life has been spent at that place. I started their mid grad-school and now 10.5 years later have 2 kids and am now teaching others how to be specialists. It's crazy how time flies!

1/2 Way

Tomorrow is week 8 of teaching. Tomorrow I will be officially 1/2 way through teaching my first class/semester of grad-school. When I started I really wasn't sure what I was going to think, but I liked the idea of trying something new. Well, turns out I really love it! I have an incredible group of 11 ladies who are excited and passionate about becoming a Child Life Specialist and they are a joy to teach! It's 1am and I just finished putting together my 1st midterm and I'm almost finished with  tomorrow night's lesson/power point (I think).

I've been trying to get my lesson/lecture done by the time Tuesday comes so I can focus my efforts/energy on going for a run and playing with my little guy...otherwise he watches WAY too much YouTube while I lesson prep/plan. I still have a bit more to do for tomorrow, but not much. And besides, he has 4 new lego cars to build and another fun Christmas gift needing to be painted.

It started raining an hour or two ago and it's been kinda relaxing to listen to the steady falling rain as i've been prepping. I saw 4 patients this morning and then picked the kids up and went straight to their swim lessons. On the way home from swim I was overwhelmed with the business of life and all that needs to get done, but this rain has been calming and quieting. I am thankful. I don't know when I last stayed up til 1am, or even past 11:45pm, but I am choosing to be grateful for a quiet house. I am grateful for the rain. I am grateful for the ability to read, the knowledge of how to make a Google Slides presentation and find relevant videos on YouTube.

I forget all too often to be grateful and thankful for all of the blessings in my life. I let stress and anxiety get the best of me and I'm left feeling empty and overwhelmed. But HE KNOWS. He knows my days. He knows my future. He is FOR me. He has brought me this far and He won't abandon me now!

Nobody reads this anymore and I love that. I love that I have a space of my own to jot down a few thoughts and process a bit before moving on.

Toast

The craziness of life is finally catching up with me and I am TOAST!

It's been 6 weeks of working 3 jobs, plus interviewing, and running 100 Mile Club. I knew it was going to be busy but man, it is kicking my butt! I made myself a TO-DO list today and I feel like I worked on something all day and still got very little done. I've been gone every day this week and my house is proof. The clean laundry has been sitting in mountains on my couch for 2+ weeks now, the dishes piled high, the dirty laundry mountain is as tall as my youngest and everything is a disaster!

Do you ever get to the point where you look around and realize your house/environment matches the state of your life? I am feeling it today. Mess everywhere! Nothing done. So much still to do.

Is it bedtime yet?!?!?

Thursday

It's Thursday. Again.

I have a love/hate relationship with Thursday. Thursday is my first real day off of the week. It is the only guaranteed day during the week that I don't have work. Thursday arrives each week after working 2 late nights in a row. By the time my alarm goes off on Thursday mornings, I do not want to wake up. I want to hit snooze and go back to sleep, and I do usually . . . at least for 18 more minutes. (2 snooze cycles)

Eventually I drag myself out of bed because I know I have 2 kids who need to be fed, told to get dressed, and generally need to be nagged repeatedly before they are actually ready to leave. Why do 8 year-olds think it unnecessary to brush their hair and why does my 4 year old think pajamas are an acceptable choice for the day? Most days I leave myself for last, scurrying about to throw on some jeans and a t-shirt and find a hat to cover my crazy bedhead!  If I'm lucky I get a cup of coffee consumed and find myself wishing for a second. Many days my coffee gets forgotten. So sad!

After we drop off big sister we usually end up returning home where I can barely keep my eyes open for most of the morning and my littlest consumes way too much candy and YouTube. I don't love it, but some Thursdays it allows me to close my eyes just for a few minutes. Lately, my Thursdays are filled with more lesson-planning for the class I'm teaching. Every Thursday around 1:30 I gather up my 100 Mile Club cards, get them put away and sorted and then prepare for our run after school.

After I pick up my daughter from school I run 100 Mile Club from 2:45-4pm. I love being a 100 MC coach and I love getting to cheer the kids on and invest in their school in this way. By the way, an hour and 15 minutes goes by really slow when you are counting laps! By the time we wrap up at the school and get home it's close to 4:45, hubby is due home by 5 and dinner has yet to be thought about.

Eventually we get everyone fed and I push for an early bedtime so I can hang out with my hubby for the first time since Monday. We usually watch a show and I inevitably fall asleep 1/2 way through (usually around 8:30). Yep, I'm a real party-animal! The hubby nudges me and I sleepily shuffle my way to our room to brush  my teeth and collapse in bed. Before hubby even makes it to bed I am sound asleep.

And there went my day "off".

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz . . .

2018

"Don't let not knowing how it will end keep you from starting." -Bob Goff

Came across that quote yesterday and I love it! I have no idea what 2018 holds and honestly, I am totally okay with it. I don't know what my year holds but I do know who holds my year in the palm of His hand. I know the One who promises, "For I know that plans I have for you...plans for hope and a future" (Jer. 29:11). HE knows my heart. HE knows my desires. HE knows what's best for me and my family. I can trust Him. He is most worthy of my trust and I can rest in peace knowing that He already has it figured out long before I can even dream it or pursue it.

So for 2018 I choose to TRUST Him. I choose to BE STILL AND KNOW.