It's been a week since I've gone anywhere other than on a walk down the street. Little did I know last Friday when I kept my kids home from school with minor illnesses, that it would be the first day of an indefinite stay at home. The world is in chaos as COVID19 runs rampant on every side of the globe. The status of the country, the state, and our cities changes daily as more cases are reported and as people in leadership are beginning to see just how serious this virus is.
I can't stop to think about our upside life and world for too long or else I start to feel lost, like I'm just floating in limbo, stuck in this surreal state of being. This whole thing is something they make up in movies. It is something we read about happening centuries ago. Were we really so ignorant and naive to think it couldn't happen to us?! And yet, here we are . . . living life with no end in sight to this unfamiliar and uncharted territory.
So much on my mind and heart as I think about it all. My kids. This is NOT what I ever imagined my kids would ever experience. We've done our best to isolate them from media and the hype/panic and have just told them what they needed to know and what they could handle at the age/stage they are in. They have adjust like champs this week to this new "normal" we are trying to create. They've put up with my daily checklists and they've played so well together. I try to tell them each night how proud I am of them for going with the flow and doing their best each day. I tell them that we are so lucky to be together, to have food in our fridge, a safe house to live in. But really, I want to tell them that "its not fair"! I want to tell them how much I hate that their birthdays are going to be spent at home with Mom and Dad instead of with their friends, doing the fun things we had planned for them. I want to tell them "I'm so sorry" for so much: that they can't see their friends, that they can't stare at screens all day, that they can't see their grandparents and their Aunt and Uncle. I'm sorry your sports that you love are canceled and that you probably won't get to play your first t-ball game or compete in your first swim meet. I want to tell them how much I hate that our first mother/son night has been canceled, that they can't participate in their class "wax museum" as P.T. Barnum. I hate this world for them right now.
What else is on my mind/heart? Guatemala. I was supposed to spend 3.5 weeks in Guatemala with some amazing students of mine. I was going to get PAID to be there! What?!?! Dream job for sure! My family was supposed to join us. We bought them tickets to spend 8 days with us. My kids were finally going to see the country I love with all my heart. They were going to get to use their Spanish and see another part of the world! We were going to bring child life to Guatemala this summer, my students and I. Not anymore. Because I was supposed to be in Guatemala all of June, I was going to get July & August "off" with the exception of teaching 1 class. We were going to go to the beach and go camping. We were going to go to family camp and summer camp together. And now? Who knows.
I'm so sad for my students. Their whole world is grad school and all the things . . . practicum, internship, graduation . . . and now? Classes online. No practicum. Internship online but not in a hospital or even with kids. And no graduation. I feel so sad for them. So many are away from home, alone, during this scary time. Not fair.
I guess what makes me sad is all the "should have been" things. The trip to Vegas and concert with my husband to celebrate 14 years together. The mother/daughter weekend we were invited to. The dinner we were brave enough to finally initiate with a family at church.The leadership class at church we were supposed to finish last weekend. My precious 3 year olds that we don't get to teach every Sunday. The weekends spent at Grandma & Grandpa's house that are now on hold until we've all been isolated long enough to be safe. The mornings spend at the kid's school cheering on the kids as they ran their miles-our gold medal ceremony and gifting all of the kindergartners with their 100 mile club shirts! The 5ams spent at the gym, getting stronger. So many things that I was so looking forward to are now gone.
Everyone now and then my mind wanders to the place of thinking, "what if?" What if this virus hits my parents? What if this virus hits my brother and his wife? What about my grandmas who are all alone? What if it hits our home? I know we're not invincible but I like to pretend we are. I can't go there. I can't even let my heart begin to think that way and about how they'd be alone and suffering. The hospitals are closed to any outsiders. Too much risk of exposure. I just want everyone to stay inside and stay isolated so they stay safe. Is that too much to ask? I can't lose them.
And yet, in the middle of my fear and all those "what ifs", there is so much good. I am so so grateful that we have jobs that allow us to work from home and still get paid. We have plenty of food to eat. We have a warm house with a heater that was fixed just in time to keep us cozy while we are home. I'm thankful for bodies that are healthy and can run and walk and ride and play. I'm thankful for the sunshine that has peeked through each day this week! I'm so thankful to live in a world filled with technology that allows for facetime with friends, live classes and workouts and for so many people who are creating awesome opportunities for the kids while at home and isolated.
I am most thankful to be able to fall into the arms of a God who sees. A God who already knows what the future holds. A God who provides. A God who hears my heart and sees my tears. A God who is good. He really is! I am so grateful for my faith and the reassurance that all things work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose. I am thankful for the promise of heaven. For the reassurance that HE IS WITH ME.
