COVID 19, week 3

This week has been brought to you by the emotion "sad" and the number zero.

Zero is the number of days my kids will get to return to school this year. Zero is the number of hours or minutes my kids will get to sit in their classroom for the rest of the year. Zero is the number of mornings I'll get to coach 100 Mile Club for my awesome kiddos. Zero is the number of gold medals I get to give out to my kids who reached 100 miles. Zero is the number of days I will get to help in their classroom. Zero is the number of field-trips my kids will go on this year. Zero is the number of hugs I get to give our amazing principal. Zero is the number of programs and awards ceremonies I will be going to. ZERO.

Sad is the feeling that has overwhelmed me these last 2 days with the announcement of schools staying closed for the rest of the year. I feel like my kids are being robbed of 3 months of their 1st and 5th grade years. They both had THE most amazing teachers this year and now they will finish the year with 3 months less than they should have had sitting under such amazing and kind women. It had been such a great year academically and both kids were thriving! They were known and loved and it was exactly what they needed to grow and succeed. And now, the amazing we had is over. What if next year isn't awesome? What if they don't have incredible teachers next year? What if next year ends up being a repeat of 4th grade's struggles and valleys?! I'm so sad for our incredible administrative team at the kid's school. I'm sure they are now scrambling, trying to figure out what to do. So much pressure and such uncharted and unprecedented territory. My heart is so sad for the classroom dynamic that is lost. For the friends they were sitting next to in their classrooms. For the newspaper that was being created and crafted. I'm sad my 1st grader isn't seeing his best buddies every day. I'm sad he isn't getting to play and do recess with his friends. 

As we continue to move forward into this great unknown, I find that most days just pass by insignificantly and leave me wishing things had gone better. I'm not good at multi-tasking or focusing in a busy or loud environment. I find I can usually only do one thing well at a time and everything else gets set aside. It's week 3 and we're on our 3rd trial of how to schedule our days/week. We've tried something new each week in hopes of finding something that works. Trying to balance 2 adults working and 2 kids needing schooling is HARD. I can't expect my kids to be completely independent and teach themselves, they need guidance, they need reminding. A lot of reminding! There's a reason why I did not sign up to homeschool my children. There's a reason I have entrusted them to someone else to learn what they need to know in order to succeed academically. And yet, it's now up to me. I have been minimally engaged/present with work. Unless I'm on as actual Zoom call for work, I have not focused on work. I have a thesis to read/grade, I have 5 books to read/learn and 2 classes to prep. I have students who have been displaced and whose worlds have been turned upside-down and put on pause. I have students who still need hours to complete classes and practicums and the hospitals are CLOSED to them. I haven't had time to think of alternative assignments, activities or ways to replace clinical hours. All that said, I am so thankful to have a job where I can "work" from home and where I still get paid.

One other feeling that has been rearing it's ugly head lately is guilt. I am SO thankful that I no longer work in the ED, in the hospital. I'm so thankful that I get to stay at home with my family and I feel so guilty for thinking/feeling that. My former co-workers are out there every day putting themselves and their families at risk as they continue to provide amazing care for patients and their families. I feel guilty that I get to stay home and protect my family from COVID 19 by staying away from others and staying inside. My old co-workers don't get that chance. They continue to go to work, day after day, and the worst has yet to come. I'm sad and fearful for them, of what they will see and experience, of what they will carry with them for the rest of their lives. How many of them will get sick? How many of them collapse at the end of the day, exhausted physically, mentally, and emotionally, having nothing left to give and yet, they are expected to return the next day or night for their next shift?!? And here I am safe at home, not having to go anywhere or be with anyone other than my own family.

COVID19, Week 2 (Its only Monday)

Well, it's only Monday of our 2nd full week of being at home. Today has been a very Mondayish kind of Monday. I typed up a "schedule" for the kids yesterday, trying a new format and was feeling optimistic about the week. That was yesterday.

Today started off well and has progressively unraveled. We started our day with devotions together, reading Matthew 1. My son likes to call this our "family dinosaur". It wasn't as involved as I had hoped, but we did it none-the-less. Next up on the "schedule" was a kid's workout class led by a friend from college. My 6 year old was al about it and my 10 year old brought plenty of attitude. I joined the kids, trying to be engaged and intentional. I thought it was a great workout! By the time we finished, the rain had stopped so we went for a 2 mile bike ride. This Mama needs fresh air, exercise and sunshine!

Next up for today was a marine biology class. It wasn't quite what I expected but my 10 year old listened while she drew. We enjoyed the Cincinnati Zoo's daily safari over lunch and then back to "work". Well, the kids managed to finish their tasks quickly today and now they swear they've done everything on their list and have left for the backyard. A part of me is happy to send them to play as it means a quiet house for a bit. Today does not seem like we accomplished much or learned much, but thankfully tomorrow is a new day. There's a reason I sent my kids to school and chose not to homeschool.

Thankfully tomorrow is a day filled with interviews for prospective students so I will gladly hand off the "teacher" hat to my husband.

COVID 19, Week 1

It's been a week since I've gone anywhere other than on a walk down the street. Little did I know last Friday when I kept my kids home from school with minor illnesses, that it would be the first day of an indefinite stay at home. The world is in chaos as COVID19 runs rampant on every side of the globe. The status of the country, the state, and our cities changes daily as more cases are reported and as people in leadership are beginning to see just how serious this virus is.

I can't stop to think about our upside life and world for too long or else I start to feel lost, like I'm just floating in limbo, stuck in this surreal state of being. This whole thing is something they make up in movies. It is something we read about happening centuries ago. Were we really so ignorant and naive to think it couldn't happen to us?! And yet, here we are . . . living life with no end in sight to this unfamiliar and uncharted territory.

So much on my mind and heart as I think about it all. My kids. This is NOT what I ever imagined my kids would ever experience. We've done our best to isolate them from media and the hype/panic and have just told them what they needed to know and what they could handle at the age/stage they are in. They have adjust like champs this week to this new "normal" we are trying to create. They've put up with my daily checklists and they've played so well together. I try to tell them each night how proud I am of them for going with the flow and doing their best each day. I tell them that we are so lucky to be together, to have food in our fridge, a safe house to live in. But really, I want to tell them that "its not fair"! I want to tell them how much I hate that their birthdays are going to be spent at home with Mom and Dad instead of with their friends, doing the fun things we had planned for them. I want to tell them "I'm so sorry" for so much: that they can't see their friends, that they can't stare at screens all day, that they can't see their grandparents and their Aunt and Uncle. I'm sorry your sports that you love are canceled and that you probably won't get to play your first t-ball game or compete in your first swim meet. I want to tell them how much I hate that our first mother/son night has been canceled, that they can't participate in their class "wax museum" as P.T. Barnum. I hate this world for them right now.

What else is on my mind/heart? Guatemala. I was supposed to spend 3.5 weeks in Guatemala with some amazing students of mine. I was going to get PAID to be there! What?!?! Dream job for sure! My family was supposed to join us. We bought them tickets to spend 8 days with us. My kids were finally going to see the country I love with all my heart. They were going to get to use their Spanish and see another part of the world! We were going to bring child life to Guatemala this summer, my students and I. Not anymore. Because I was supposed to be in Guatemala all of June, I was going to get July & August "off" with the exception of teaching 1 class. We were going to go to the beach and go camping. We were going to go to family camp and summer camp together. And now? Who knows.

I'm so sad for my students. Their whole world is grad school and all the things . . . practicum, internship, graduation . . . and now? Classes online. No practicum. Internship online but not in a hospital or even with kids. And no graduation. I feel so sad for them. So many are away from home, alone, during this scary time. Not fair.

I guess what makes me sad is all the "should have been" things. The trip to Vegas and concert with my husband to celebrate 14 years together. The mother/daughter weekend we were invited to. The dinner we were brave enough to finally initiate with a family at church.The leadership class at church we were supposed to finish last weekend. My precious 3 year olds that we don't get to teach every Sunday. The weekends spent at Grandma & Grandpa's house that are now on hold until we've all been isolated long enough to be safe. The mornings spend at the kid's school cheering on the kids as they ran their miles-our gold medal ceremony and gifting all of the kindergartners with their 100 mile club shirts! The 5ams spent at the gym, getting stronger. So many things that I was so looking forward to are now gone.

Everyone now and then my mind wanders to the place of thinking, "what if?" What if this virus hits my parents? What if this virus hits my brother and his wife? What about my grandmas who are all alone? What if it hits our home? I know we're not invincible but I like to pretend we are. I can't go there. I can't even let my heart begin to think that way and about how they'd be alone and suffering. The hospitals are closed to any outsiders. Too much risk of exposure. I just want everyone to stay inside and stay isolated so they stay safe. Is that too much to ask? I can't lose them.

And yet, in the middle of my fear and all those "what ifs", there is so much good. I am so so grateful that we have jobs that allow us to work from home and still get paid. We have plenty of food to eat. We have a warm house with a heater that was fixed just in time to keep us cozy while we are home. I'm thankful for bodies that are healthy and can run and walk and ride and play. I'm thankful for the sunshine that has peeked through each day this week! I'm so thankful to live in a world filled with technology that allows for facetime with friends, live classes and workouts and for so many people who are creating awesome opportunities for the kids while at home and isolated.

I am most thankful to be able to fall into the arms of a God who sees. A God who already knows what the future holds. A God who provides. A God who hears my heart and sees my tears. A God who is good. He really is! I am so grateful for my faith and the reassurance that all things work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose. I am thankful for the promise of heaven. For the reassurance that HE IS WITH ME.