COVID 19, week 3

This week has been brought to you by the emotion "sad" and the number zero.

Zero is the number of days my kids will get to return to school this year. Zero is the number of hours or minutes my kids will get to sit in their classroom for the rest of the year. Zero is the number of mornings I'll get to coach 100 Mile Club for my awesome kiddos. Zero is the number of gold medals I get to give out to my kids who reached 100 miles. Zero is the number of days I will get to help in their classroom. Zero is the number of field-trips my kids will go on this year. Zero is the number of hugs I get to give our amazing principal. Zero is the number of programs and awards ceremonies I will be going to. ZERO.

Sad is the feeling that has overwhelmed me these last 2 days with the announcement of schools staying closed for the rest of the year. I feel like my kids are being robbed of 3 months of their 1st and 5th grade years. They both had THE most amazing teachers this year and now they will finish the year with 3 months less than they should have had sitting under such amazing and kind women. It had been such a great year academically and both kids were thriving! They were known and loved and it was exactly what they needed to grow and succeed. And now, the amazing we had is over. What if next year isn't awesome? What if they don't have incredible teachers next year? What if next year ends up being a repeat of 4th grade's struggles and valleys?! I'm so sad for our incredible administrative team at the kid's school. I'm sure they are now scrambling, trying to figure out what to do. So much pressure and such uncharted and unprecedented territory. My heart is so sad for the classroom dynamic that is lost. For the friends they were sitting next to in their classrooms. For the newspaper that was being created and crafted. I'm sad my 1st grader isn't seeing his best buddies every day. I'm sad he isn't getting to play and do recess with his friends. 

As we continue to move forward into this great unknown, I find that most days just pass by insignificantly and leave me wishing things had gone better. I'm not good at multi-tasking or focusing in a busy or loud environment. I find I can usually only do one thing well at a time and everything else gets set aside. It's week 3 and we're on our 3rd trial of how to schedule our days/week. We've tried something new each week in hopes of finding something that works. Trying to balance 2 adults working and 2 kids needing schooling is HARD. I can't expect my kids to be completely independent and teach themselves, they need guidance, they need reminding. A lot of reminding! There's a reason why I did not sign up to homeschool my children. There's a reason I have entrusted them to someone else to learn what they need to know in order to succeed academically. And yet, it's now up to me. I have been minimally engaged/present with work. Unless I'm on as actual Zoom call for work, I have not focused on work. I have a thesis to read/grade, I have 5 books to read/learn and 2 classes to prep. I have students who have been displaced and whose worlds have been turned upside-down and put on pause. I have students who still need hours to complete classes and practicums and the hospitals are CLOSED to them. I haven't had time to think of alternative assignments, activities or ways to replace clinical hours. All that said, I am so thankful to have a job where I can "work" from home and where I still get paid.

One other feeling that has been rearing it's ugly head lately is guilt. I am SO thankful that I no longer work in the ED, in the hospital. I'm so thankful that I get to stay at home with my family and I feel so guilty for thinking/feeling that. My former co-workers are out there every day putting themselves and their families at risk as they continue to provide amazing care for patients and their families. I feel guilty that I get to stay home and protect my family from COVID 19 by staying away from others and staying inside. My old co-workers don't get that chance. They continue to go to work, day after day, and the worst has yet to come. I'm sad and fearful for them, of what they will see and experience, of what they will carry with them for the rest of their lives. How many of them will get sick? How many of them collapse at the end of the day, exhausted physically, mentally, and emotionally, having nothing left to give and yet, they are expected to return the next day or night for their next shift?!? And here I am safe at home, not having to go anywhere or be with anyone other than my own family.

COVID19, Week 2 (Its only Monday)

Well, it's only Monday of our 2nd full week of being at home. Today has been a very Mondayish kind of Monday. I typed up a "schedule" for the kids yesterday, trying a new format and was feeling optimistic about the week. That was yesterday.

Today started off well and has progressively unraveled. We started our day with devotions together, reading Matthew 1. My son likes to call this our "family dinosaur". It wasn't as involved as I had hoped, but we did it none-the-less. Next up on the "schedule" was a kid's workout class led by a friend from college. My 6 year old was al about it and my 10 year old brought plenty of attitude. I joined the kids, trying to be engaged and intentional. I thought it was a great workout! By the time we finished, the rain had stopped so we went for a 2 mile bike ride. This Mama needs fresh air, exercise and sunshine!

Next up for today was a marine biology class. It wasn't quite what I expected but my 10 year old listened while she drew. We enjoyed the Cincinnati Zoo's daily safari over lunch and then back to "work". Well, the kids managed to finish their tasks quickly today and now they swear they've done everything on their list and have left for the backyard. A part of me is happy to send them to play as it means a quiet house for a bit. Today does not seem like we accomplished much or learned much, but thankfully tomorrow is a new day. There's a reason I sent my kids to school and chose not to homeschool.

Thankfully tomorrow is a day filled with interviews for prospective students so I will gladly hand off the "teacher" hat to my husband.

COVID 19, Week 1

It's been a week since I've gone anywhere other than on a walk down the street. Little did I know last Friday when I kept my kids home from school with minor illnesses, that it would be the first day of an indefinite stay at home. The world is in chaos as COVID19 runs rampant on every side of the globe. The status of the country, the state, and our cities changes daily as more cases are reported and as people in leadership are beginning to see just how serious this virus is.

I can't stop to think about our upside life and world for too long or else I start to feel lost, like I'm just floating in limbo, stuck in this surreal state of being. This whole thing is something they make up in movies. It is something we read about happening centuries ago. Were we really so ignorant and naive to think it couldn't happen to us?! And yet, here we are . . . living life with no end in sight to this unfamiliar and uncharted territory.

So much on my mind and heart as I think about it all. My kids. This is NOT what I ever imagined my kids would ever experience. We've done our best to isolate them from media and the hype/panic and have just told them what they needed to know and what they could handle at the age/stage they are in. They have adjust like champs this week to this new "normal" we are trying to create. They've put up with my daily checklists and they've played so well together. I try to tell them each night how proud I am of them for going with the flow and doing their best each day. I tell them that we are so lucky to be together, to have food in our fridge, a safe house to live in. But really, I want to tell them that "its not fair"! I want to tell them how much I hate that their birthdays are going to be spent at home with Mom and Dad instead of with their friends, doing the fun things we had planned for them. I want to tell them "I'm so sorry" for so much: that they can't see their friends, that they can't stare at screens all day, that they can't see their grandparents and their Aunt and Uncle. I'm sorry your sports that you love are canceled and that you probably won't get to play your first t-ball game or compete in your first swim meet. I want to tell them how much I hate that our first mother/son night has been canceled, that they can't participate in their class "wax museum" as P.T. Barnum. I hate this world for them right now.

What else is on my mind/heart? Guatemala. I was supposed to spend 3.5 weeks in Guatemala with some amazing students of mine. I was going to get PAID to be there! What?!?! Dream job for sure! My family was supposed to join us. We bought them tickets to spend 8 days with us. My kids were finally going to see the country I love with all my heart. They were going to get to use their Spanish and see another part of the world! We were going to bring child life to Guatemala this summer, my students and I. Not anymore. Because I was supposed to be in Guatemala all of June, I was going to get July & August "off" with the exception of teaching 1 class. We were going to go to the beach and go camping. We were going to go to family camp and summer camp together. And now? Who knows.

I'm so sad for my students. Their whole world is grad school and all the things . . . practicum, internship, graduation . . . and now? Classes online. No practicum. Internship online but not in a hospital or even with kids. And no graduation. I feel so sad for them. So many are away from home, alone, during this scary time. Not fair.

I guess what makes me sad is all the "should have been" things. The trip to Vegas and concert with my husband to celebrate 14 years together. The mother/daughter weekend we were invited to. The dinner we were brave enough to finally initiate with a family at church.The leadership class at church we were supposed to finish last weekend. My precious 3 year olds that we don't get to teach every Sunday. The weekends spent at Grandma & Grandpa's house that are now on hold until we've all been isolated long enough to be safe. The mornings spend at the kid's school cheering on the kids as they ran their miles-our gold medal ceremony and gifting all of the kindergartners with their 100 mile club shirts! The 5ams spent at the gym, getting stronger. So many things that I was so looking forward to are now gone.

Everyone now and then my mind wanders to the place of thinking, "what if?" What if this virus hits my parents? What if this virus hits my brother and his wife? What about my grandmas who are all alone? What if it hits our home? I know we're not invincible but I like to pretend we are. I can't go there. I can't even let my heart begin to think that way and about how they'd be alone and suffering. The hospitals are closed to any outsiders. Too much risk of exposure. I just want everyone to stay inside and stay isolated so they stay safe. Is that too much to ask? I can't lose them.

And yet, in the middle of my fear and all those "what ifs", there is so much good. I am so so grateful that we have jobs that allow us to work from home and still get paid. We have plenty of food to eat. We have a warm house with a heater that was fixed just in time to keep us cozy while we are home. I'm thankful for bodies that are healthy and can run and walk and ride and play. I'm thankful for the sunshine that has peeked through each day this week! I'm so thankful to live in a world filled with technology that allows for facetime with friends, live classes and workouts and for so many people who are creating awesome opportunities for the kids while at home and isolated.

I am most thankful to be able to fall into the arms of a God who sees. A God who already knows what the future holds. A God who provides. A God who hears my heart and sees my tears. A God who is good. He really is! I am so grateful for my faith and the reassurance that all things work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose. I am thankful for the promise of heaven. For the reassurance that HE IS WITH ME.

Lonely

If I'm completely honest, I'm lonely.

Life is amazingly wonderful and I am blessed beyond measure with a new job that I LOVE, kids who are pretty funny and love each other so well (most of the time), a husband who is steady and kind, cheers for me constantly, and so many other things.

But . . . I'm lonely.

My friends?
-2 live across the country (literally) and have busy lives of their own.
-1 is too busy taking a class and told me she had to focus until November.
-1 is in the midst of a huge life change and has a lot on her plate.

Yep, that's my current situation. 4 best friends, not connecting with any of them.

Since leaving my old job my "friends" from work have sadly become people who I follow on Facebook from a distance.  My table group from Biblestudy last season will continue to meet as I have to sit this year out due to school schedules. My running friends . . . well, when all you have in common is running and you haven't been running, it's a little hard to connect.

When the hubby and I were out on a date last week, I almost starting crying at a locally brewery. Yes, I have him and he is my best friend but its not his job to be my only friend or to have to take on the role that girlfriends should have in my life. He is an amazing listener but he can't meet all my needs for connection and relational intimacy.

So yeah, life is so amazingly good and incredible, but it's also lonely and quiet.

Being Real

Tonight I cried in class, in front of my students.

I was facilitating a discussion about ethics in the NICU and was sharing about how our book encouraged physicians to come alongside of parents and share the burden of withdrawing support for their baby. The book illustrates how when physicians help carry the weight of withdraw, parents feel less guilt and responsibility.

As I was teaching my lesson, one of my students spoke up. She had to make the decision to withdraw support from her child who was terminally ill years ago. Our conversation struck a chord within her and she was overcome with emotion and had to walk out of our class. Her response overwhelmed me and I felt so helpless. I really didn't know what to do or how to respond (we all know how horrible I am at showing emotion). As my students looked to me for what to do, I asked if we could pray for their classmate. I had no clue what else to do. They all agreed.

As I prayed, asking God to wash his peace over my student, I broke. My student had made a decisions that none of us ever want to make. As I asked God for His peace, His guidance, His comfort, I was overwhelmed with His ability to provide those things. I was overwhelmed with His presence with us in the deepest valleys and the darkest of days. When that horrible decision had to be made, He was with her. His constant presence in our lives, through the worst of the worst, it amazes me. As I struggled to find the words to pray, the words to ask for peace, the words begging for God to use us in the lives of these children and their families, my heart just broke.

As we engage with families and patients going through the worst season of their lives, He is with us. He calls us to comfort the broken heart to proclaim freedom for the prisoner. (Isaiah 61) Maybe that freedom is physical freedom from the prison of disease and pain. Maybe it is a physical freedom from the suffering of this life. He has called us to comfort those who mourn. He calls us to "bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair." I've always loved these verses, but tonight they came alive in a new way.

In the field that HE has called me to, there are times where I am literally working with children who have been burned and disfigured from fire. When there is fire, there is ash. He sees beauty in these kids who have been disfigured and whose physical body is anything but beautiful. And yet He sees their beauty and calls me to do the same. I've worked with so many families who have experienced despair and loss and grief . . . these families often feel hopeless and lost and forgotten. Still He calls me. He calls me to help restore joy and wholeness, to provide a means to navigate through situations that test their very being.

As I think about tonight's class I am reminded of the importance of being real, of allowing myself to feel deeply and to allow the Holy Spirit to work in me . . . even if that means letting myself cry. In front of my students! Once we were able to compose ourselves we had the most amazing conversation about the confidence we have in Christ. We talked about the hope of something more, the hope of heaven and wholeness. The reassurance and peace that comes from knowing that someone bigger than ourselves has a plan and is control.

Endings

2 weeks ago I ended job #2. I said "goodbye" to my precious families and thanked each parent for welcoming me into their home and for trusting me with their sweet child. It was a job that I took because I needed a change and it happened to pay really well. I had no clue what I was doing but quickly came up with themes and ideas and did my best to create lasting memories for my families. It was definitely challenging at times to come up with new materials, to play for a child for an hour, to carry the session as most of my patients couldn't see, speak, hear, etc. I learned so much. That job taught me to value each moment. To love each kid. To treat each patient as if they were able-bodied and to show their parents that the life of their child mattered. I learned to slow down, to be intentional and to show love to these strong and mighty parents each week.

Now I have 2 weeks left of job #1. I've been there for 10 1/2 years and almost 9 of those years have been spent in the Emergency Department. It's bittersweet to think of leaving the place that has become like home; the place where I grew as a specialist and figured out how to really do my job and do it well. I have been blessed to work alongside of some of the most incredible nurses who are smart and strong and so very good at what they do. These ladies (and a few men too) save lives on the daily. They give everything they have to love and care for their patients and working with them has been such an amazing experience. My life is richer and I am stronger and better because of them!

Last night one of my favorite physicians was on and when I left I began to feel that bit of sadness creep up, knowing that we may never work together again. How does one begin to say "thank you" to the nurses and doctors who I worked alongside the last 9 years? Do I leave a card? Do I bring a treat? How do you let them know just how appreciate they are?!?!

I suck at "goodbye". I much prefer to just sneak away and not have to deal with the emotions and feeling that are associated with last days and goodbyes. A whole chapter of my life has been spent at that place. I started their mid grad-school and now 10.5 years later have 2 kids and am now teaching others how to be specialists. It's crazy how time flies!

1/2 Way

Tomorrow is week 8 of teaching. Tomorrow I will be officially 1/2 way through teaching my first class/semester of grad-school. When I started I really wasn't sure what I was going to think, but I liked the idea of trying something new. Well, turns out I really love it! I have an incredible group of 11 ladies who are excited and passionate about becoming a Child Life Specialist and they are a joy to teach! It's 1am and I just finished putting together my 1st midterm and I'm almost finished with  tomorrow night's lesson/power point (I think).

I've been trying to get my lesson/lecture done by the time Tuesday comes so I can focus my efforts/energy on going for a run and playing with my little guy...otherwise he watches WAY too much YouTube while I lesson prep/plan. I still have a bit more to do for tomorrow, but not much. And besides, he has 4 new lego cars to build and another fun Christmas gift needing to be painted.

It started raining an hour or two ago and it's been kinda relaxing to listen to the steady falling rain as i've been prepping. I saw 4 patients this morning and then picked the kids up and went straight to their swim lessons. On the way home from swim I was overwhelmed with the business of life and all that needs to get done, but this rain has been calming and quieting. I am thankful. I don't know when I last stayed up til 1am, or even past 11:45pm, but I am choosing to be grateful for a quiet house. I am grateful for the rain. I am grateful for the ability to read, the knowledge of how to make a Google Slides presentation and find relevant videos on YouTube.

I forget all too often to be grateful and thankful for all of the blessings in my life. I let stress and anxiety get the best of me and I'm left feeling empty and overwhelmed. But HE KNOWS. He knows my days. He knows my future. He is FOR me. He has brought me this far and He won't abandon me now!

Nobody reads this anymore and I love that. I love that I have a space of my own to jot down a few thoughts and process a bit before moving on.

Toast

The craziness of life is finally catching up with me and I am TOAST!

It's been 6 weeks of working 3 jobs, plus interviewing, and running 100 Mile Club. I knew it was going to be busy but man, it is kicking my butt! I made myself a TO-DO list today and I feel like I worked on something all day and still got very little done. I've been gone every day this week and my house is proof. The clean laundry has been sitting in mountains on my couch for 2+ weeks now, the dishes piled high, the dirty laundry mountain is as tall as my youngest and everything is a disaster!

Do you ever get to the point where you look around and realize your house/environment matches the state of your life? I am feeling it today. Mess everywhere! Nothing done. So much still to do.

Is it bedtime yet?!?!?

Thursday

It's Thursday. Again.

I have a love/hate relationship with Thursday. Thursday is my first real day off of the week. It is the only guaranteed day during the week that I don't have work. Thursday arrives each week after working 2 late nights in a row. By the time my alarm goes off on Thursday mornings, I do not want to wake up. I want to hit snooze and go back to sleep, and I do usually . . . at least for 18 more minutes. (2 snooze cycles)

Eventually I drag myself out of bed because I know I have 2 kids who need to be fed, told to get dressed, and generally need to be nagged repeatedly before they are actually ready to leave. Why do 8 year-olds think it unnecessary to brush their hair and why does my 4 year old think pajamas are an acceptable choice for the day? Most days I leave myself for last, scurrying about to throw on some jeans and a t-shirt and find a hat to cover my crazy bedhead!  If I'm lucky I get a cup of coffee consumed and find myself wishing for a second. Many days my coffee gets forgotten. So sad!

After we drop off big sister we usually end up returning home where I can barely keep my eyes open for most of the morning and my littlest consumes way too much candy and YouTube. I don't love it, but some Thursdays it allows me to close my eyes just for a few minutes. Lately, my Thursdays are filled with more lesson-planning for the class I'm teaching. Every Thursday around 1:30 I gather up my 100 Mile Club cards, get them put away and sorted and then prepare for our run after school.

After I pick up my daughter from school I run 100 Mile Club from 2:45-4pm. I love being a 100 MC coach and I love getting to cheer the kids on and invest in their school in this way. By the way, an hour and 15 minutes goes by really slow when you are counting laps! By the time we wrap up at the school and get home it's close to 4:45, hubby is due home by 5 and dinner has yet to be thought about.

Eventually we get everyone fed and I push for an early bedtime so I can hang out with my hubby for the first time since Monday. We usually watch a show and I inevitably fall asleep 1/2 way through (usually around 8:30). Yep, I'm a real party-animal! The hubby nudges me and I sleepily shuffle my way to our room to brush  my teeth and collapse in bed. Before hubby even makes it to bed I am sound asleep.

And there went my day "off".

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz . . .

2018

"Don't let not knowing how it will end keep you from starting." -Bob Goff

Came across that quote yesterday and I love it! I have no idea what 2018 holds and honestly, I am totally okay with it. I don't know what my year holds but I do know who holds my year in the palm of His hand. I know the One who promises, "For I know that plans I have for you...plans for hope and a future" (Jer. 29:11). HE knows my heart. HE knows my desires. HE knows what's best for me and my family. I can trust Him. He is most worthy of my trust and I can rest in peace knowing that He already has it figured out long before I can even dream it or pursue it.

So for 2018 I choose to TRUST Him. I choose to BE STILL AND KNOW.

God at work

Have you ever had that feeling that God was up to something in your life? Ever felt like He was moving and stirring something in you and around you that you couldn't deny?

Over the past month or so, I have felt God moving. I had reached a point of discontent and began to pray for wisdom, direction, and guidance. I began asking God what He had in store for me, for my family, for my future. At first I just had a feeling that He was at work but then I began to see small glimpses of what it was He was doing. It amazes me how He works in so many pieces of the puzzle of our lives all at the same time, like a ripple effect. One answer to prayer leads to stepping out in faith in another area and then all around me, it seems like He is moving and He is busy at work.

And so here I am. Waiting. Praying. Dreaming. Believing. Trusting. I don't know what the future holds for me, my family, or my extended family but I know that the God of the universe holds my future. What amazing assurance and security that brings...knowing that God has a plan, that He already knows what comes next and what life will look like.  He asks me to believe, to trust. And I do. My life is not my own really, it is HIS. He is my way-maker, my path-creator, my rock and my refuge.

He is good and He is for me. What more do I need to know?! And so I wait with eager anticipation. . . on Him and His timing and I trust that He knows best.

Five Minute Friday: Silence

Am I the only one who gets overwhelmed with noise? In my house the kids are usually playing 2 different devices with the sound turned up, the dog is barking, and the cars keep zooming by. On road-trips my husband and kids have a long playlist of music that they listen to over and over and over again. I love it at the beginning but then eventually I reach a point where I just need silence.

I am introvert through and through and for me, it is in the silence, in the being still and alone, that I recharge. With that being said, it is so hard to truly be silent. I have my phone to distract me, to keep me entertained. Staring at my phone may be temporary distraction but my brain isn't still. I'm still not listening or really resting.

I truly believe that it is in the silence that God speaks. I don't usually hear Him because I am not usually silent.

He Speaks

Last Friday, between 2 patients, I drove my van down to the  beach and sat for a bit. I try to make the long drive to San Clemente worthwhile by taking a few minutes for myself, soaking in the beauty of the ocean. Last week I made myself be still. I literally set a timer for 10 minutes and made myself do nothing other than look at the ocean. 10 minutes felt like FOREVER! Anyway, as I was sitting and watching the waves, I was caught up in watching how the waves would go back out, leaving behind a shadow on the sand as they receded back to the ocean. As I was watching I heard the verse "behold, I am making all things new".

I am not one to "hear" God. I don't know if I've ever clearly heard Him speak, but that day, I really felt like it was Him, speaking hope into my life. I've been at a place of wondering for the past few months and am trying to figure out what it is I want to do with my life. Don't get me wrong, I love my job and I love the career I am in, but the hours I work keep me from being home with my family. I have worked 2:30-11pm 3-4 days a week for 8 years now.

I have always loved having a job AND being a Mom. It's been a really good balance for me to get to do both. The last few months though I have realized that I am only getting to pick my kids up from school 1 day a week. My Mom is taking my daughter to the orthodontist each  month. My parents are taking my kids to Awanas. My husband is taking them to swim. For the first time really, my desire to be present with my kids is outweighing my desire to be at work.

And so I have spent hours dreaming, thinking and searching for what I want to do. I love what I do for work, but not the hours. At my place of employment there aren't any other part-time positions to move to. I've journaled and read and tried to really take time to feel what it is that my heart beats for. What do I love? What makes me come alive? What brings me joy? What would allow me to work but then still be available to pick up my kids and be a part of their daily lives.

Here's what I've come to: I love adventuring with my kids. I want to be the one picking them up from school most days. I want to see my husband daily. I love coaching 100 Mile Club. I want to be a part of a small group. I want to run 3 days a week. I'd love to swim again. I want to live within my means and spend/save money wisely. I want to be a good steward. I want to empower others. I want to take better care of our home. I love being at my daughter's school. I want to take families to Guatemala.

Yesterday I spent HOURS searching the internet for positions/options. I applied at 2 different junior colleges with the thought that I could take some early childhood classes in January in order to open up more options. As I searched and searched nothing came up that was a good fit. I've been saying for a few months now that I should send an e-mail to 2 different people, letting them know that I love what they are about and then let them know that should a position ever open up at their work, I'd love to be there.

Well, yesterday I actually sent a quick message to one of those people and quickly got a response saying I'd be a good fit and she'd keep me in mind as that same day she had a meeting with a corporate sponsor and they were talking about the need for more specialists! Yesterday evening I got another response from another thing I have been thinking about. . . asking me for more information. Um God, is that You?!

I am a very firm believer that God opens and closes doors and I am totally okay with that. Faith comes easy for me and its easy for me to believe that God will put me where He wants me...whether that means staying put and continuing where I am at or trying something new. He knows my heart. He knows my desires. He knows my needs. I feel like He is moving and it is exciting and a bit scary at the same time. But I trust Him. I trust that He is good and He has a plan for me. My job is to be open to how He is moving and to trust in His timing.

God, I'm listening. God I trust you. You are bigger than all my dreams and even all my fears. Whatever comes next, I trust you.

Five Minute Friday: Need

If you have kids, you know all too well the constant list of things they "need". My kids "need" the new Batbot Extreme. They "need" the new Minecraft books. They "need" some more Halloween candy. They "need" to watch the latest YouTube video. They "need" to go to Chuck E. Cheese for lunch. They "need" to do this, that, and the other. If you have kids, you get it. As many times as we have tried to explain the difference between "want" and "need", they continue to beg for the things they "need". It sometimes makes me crazy.

As much as my kids make me crazy with all of the things they "need", I wonder if God ever feels the same way about me?! God, I "need" a new job. God, I "need" a break from my kids. God, I "need" new clothes. God, I "need" more time with my spouse. God, I "need" a bigger house. God, I "need" a nicer backyard. God, I "need" a maid. I could go on and on with the list of things I think I "need" from God.

In His Word, He promises us that He'll meet our needs. Phil. 4:19 says:

" You can be sure that God will take care of everything you need, his generosity exceeding even yours in the glory that pours from Jesus. " (The Message)

"And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus." (NIV)

God knows what we really NEED. He also knows what we WANT. Yes, He really does care about our wants and is faithful to listen to our prayers, but ultimately, what really matters is that He meets our needs. I have a roof over my head, food in my fridge, clothes on my back. My basic needs are met. If He can take care of the birds, the flowers, the whole entire earth . . . He can take care of me. I am learning to trust Him and His timing for all those things I think I "need" but really are more of "wants". He loves me. He is for me. He knows me. He made me. He will meet my needs and I should be thankful and content.

Five Minute Friday: Invite

When I was in Jr. High my school was preschool through 8th grade. When we'd get out of class we'd have to walk by the preschool playground on the way to our next period class. There was one little girl out there who shared my name (which is SO not common) and somehow we became friends through the fence. We'd wave and say "Hi" to each other as I'd walk past. One day as I was walking past she was talking to her little preschool friends and I heard her say, "You're not my friend anymore. I'm not going to invite you to my birthday party." 

Do you remember how important it was to get invites to birthday parties? My kids are 4 and 8 and they get SO excited when they receive an invite to a friend's birthday party, pool party, Halloween party, etc. For them, getting that invite means they have been noticed and chosen. They are important enough to that friend or classmate that they got the invite, they have been invited to be included. They've also been on the other side of things though where they were not one of the lucky few to receive an invite to a classmate's birthday party. Those drives home are tough. We've had countless conversations about how important it is to include others, to make them feel loved, to invite them to join in their game or activity, club, party, etc. 

Now as a grown-up, the invites are few and far between. Most days I am totally okay with that as the introvert in me does not love parties and big groups, but there are still those days where I revert back to those same feelings my kids feel of being left out, forgotten, excluded. There aren't many official invites or parties as an adult, but thanks to social media we are privy to knowing every little thing our friends are engaging in or doing. 

It may not be a party, but maybe it was coffee with the girls or going to see a movie or a play-date at the park for your kids. When social media shows all the fun others are having it is easy to feel sad or left out at not being invited to a certain event, party, night out, etc. Its so easy to let jealousy invade our hearts when we see what we are missing out on. I am so guilty of this. I see my friends busy with their other friends or new friends and I find myself feeling disappointed and lonely and wishing I were invited to be a part of the group. 

Moral of the story? Be intentional about inviting others to be a part of your life. Invite people to coffee. Invite another family over for dinner. Invite a friend to join in your pedicure. Invite your kids to join you in running errands. Invite your spouse on a date. Invite the grandparents to the kid's activities. Invite those closest to you to truly know you and be involved in your minutes, your days, your weeks. We all long to be invited, to be thought of, to be included. 

When's the last time you extended an invitation to someone else? What have you done lately that causes others to feel invited in, loved, and cherished? 

So Much Sadness

"Scripture does more than give us permission to express our sadness; it considers grieving losses as central to our spiritual growth. Sadness and loss form important threads in the tapestry of our spiritual lives." (p.103, The Emotionally Healthy Woman) 

I'm not very good at expressing sadness or really many emotions at all. I grew up in a loving family but in one where you just didn't show or share your emotions. I've never been good at expressing my sadness and I most certainly did not let that sadness be known to others. I've always felt embarrassed or ashamed of crying in front of others, I just hate it. 

But honestly, there has been a whole lot to be sad about this past week and even the past month. 1 month ago it was floods in my best friend's town. After that it was another hurricane. After that was an earthquake in Mexico where a friend was on a layover. Just over a week ago, 59 people were killed and 400+ people were wounded by bullets showered down on them at a concert. On Saturday morning my best friend (my husband) left for 6 days. Today yet another fire broke out within 15 miles of my house and my commute home took me 3 hours (it usually takes me 30 minutes). Tonight on the way to my kid's swim lessons we noticed the main street filled with people holding flags for as far as we could see . . . I soon discovered it was part of memorial for a local veteran killed in the Vegas shootings. 

So. Much. Sadness.

I shouldn't have to have conversations with my kids about mass shootings and people dying. I shouldn't have to explain to them each day that their best friend's friend would find a new home as theirs was flooded. My kids shouldn't have to worry about the people evacuated because of the fires and whether or not their best friend still had a house. I shouldn't have to explain to them why they won't be having slumber parties. We live in a broken and hurting world. 

My heart is heavy over all of the loss. The loss of homes, the loss of a quick commute, the loss of lives, the loss of innocence, the loss of routine. 

And yet, I know that God is good. I know that HE is near. I truly believe that His hand is in every single one of these places of sadness or loss. I know that He is good. I know that He is love. I know that HE has been there in the middle of all of this tragedy. And so, I teach my kids these same truths. I tell them over and over about the depth of God's love for them. About how He will NEVER ever EVER leave them, no matter what. I tell them that if they are scared, HE is with them. I tell them that they can cry out to Him any time and He hears them. I remind them over and over and over again that HE IS GOOD. 

As I have cried out to Him this week, especially in song, the tears have spilled out and my heart has been broken. I am so grateful for music and how it allows me to express the feelings in my heart when I don't have my own words to say. The songs speak my heart's cry. The songs cry out to my King and my God, acknowledging His goodness to me. 

And so I am learning to feel. I am learning to let myself be sad and to feel hurt and to be disappointed. I am learning each day about the freedom that comes from feeling deeply. I am learning to lean into my heavenly Father, to let His love wash over me and His peace soothe my soul. You guys, He is good. He is love. He is near. He is here. ALWAYS!

Missing My Better Half

12.5 years ago I said "I do" to the most amazing man! Its crazy to think that way back then I had no clue just how amazing life could be and what it would be like to do life together with someone. I used to think it was weird when people would refer to their boyfriend or spouse as their "best friend", but I obviously hadn't experienced that deep connection yet. I knew being married would be fun and great and wonderful but I had no idea how dependent I would become on my spouse. I had no idea how safe and secure I would feel with him by my side. I had no idea how complete he'd make me and how much I would come to rely on him.

I know it all sounds so sappy but I am so deeply thankful for husband! He is such a gift to me and I am so grateful to do life together with him. He is my better half and he makes me a better person! We have come to walk in-sync with each other, not even really thinking about what to do or what comes next. He picks up where I leave off. He knows me better than anyone else and loves me all the same! He is an incredible Daddy to our kids and is so intentional about loving them and investing in their lives.

I am able to be me because of him. With him by my side I feel safe, confident, loved, and content. He truly is my better half!!! In a crowd, he pulls me close. At a party he includes me and makes me feel a part of the conversation. The nights we are home together he lets me snuggle up and fall asleep mid-show. As we crawl into bed each night he whispers "I love you" as he wraps his arms around me or I nuzzle in next to him. He is my rock, my constant in sometimes crazy and chaotic days and weeks and months. He empowers me to do my best and be my best and does whatever he can to offer support me. He encourages me to dream big and reach far. He listens faithfully as I sort through things and process out loud.

This morning he left at 4am for 6 days out of state. I don't have any clue what to do with myself or my kids without him around. It's so pathetic how unsettled I feel with him gone already! I've left for a few days here and there over the years and he never once complained. Now its his turn and I am dreading these next 6 days alone. This is the longest we've been apart since we've been married and I sure hope the days decide to fly by instead of drag on!!! I know some people single-parent every day and that is their reality but I have come to rely so deeply on this amazing husband of mine that I just feel a little lost without him here!

Five Minute Friday: Story

We all have a story to tell. We all have a unique and God given tale that is uniquely ours.  Some of our stories are happy and have a fairy-tale ending while others are tragic and filled with grief and heartache. The best stories it seems are filled with a little bit of everything . . . happy and sad, good and bad, up and down.

I remember when I was younger wishing I had more of a story to tell. When I'd train with a team for a mission trip we'd each take a night to share our story, our testimony. I can't tell you how boring I thought my story was, how many times I wish I had a bigger story to tell.

My story is simple. I grew up in a loving home with 2 great parents, we went to church, my brother was born when I was 12, I played sports for a bit, I sang on the worship team, I led the Christian club at my high school, I was on leadership at youth group, my Dad was a youth pastor and I was one of the good kids, I went to the college of my dreams, etc. I used to feel like my story didn't measure up. I didn't have a story of extreme transformation or of  near-death experiences. I didn't do drugs. I didn't sleep around. I was really quite boring.

I remember in high school and college, wishing I had more of a story to tell.

Here I am, closer to 40 than 30 and I do have a story to tell. I have a story to tell of God's goodness and faithfulness, of His perfect plan and provision in my life over all these years. I am married to an incredible man who I would not trade for the world. He is my better half and we make one hell of a team together! I am doing a job that I love and get to work with kids and help families each shift. My parents live a mile away and my Mom cares for my kids while I am at work. Speaking of kids . . . mine are incredible! They are good kids and love each other and love life! I am so proud to be their Mom! We own a great little home, have 2 working cars, food in the fridge and closets filled with clothes. We are blessed in every way.

My story may not be filled with miracles and harrowing tales, but it is filled with God's goodness and faithfulness to me. My story is one of normalcy and predictability but it is mine to tell. My story is God's plan for me and how He has made His path and His way known over the years. My story screams of God's faithfulness and for that I am so grateful. Sure there are small chapters of heartache or uncertainty, but that is all part of His plan. HE has walked with me each day, each week, each month, each year. HE is the author of my story and I wouldn't it any other way!

Las Vegas

Five minutes before I was supposed to clock out of work Sunday night I came across a friend's Facebook post saying that her friend had just messaged saying she was at work at Mandalay Bay and there was a live shooter and she was locked in her office. My friend asked for prayers for her friend. Being me, I googled "live news" and "Mandalay Bay". At that point it was minutes after things had happened and no information was known. I shut down the computer, clocked out and made my way to my car, feeling numb and scared.

On my drive home I called my Mom as usual and she began relaying information she was seeing on the news. As I drove, tears spilled out of my eyes and goosebumps covered my body. I felt so sad, so helpless, so scared for everyone there. I was a state away but thought of the times we had been in that same spot, waiting for a race to start. We had been in that same hotel to see a show.

As I got home I looked at Facebook and saw that several of the nurses I work with were at the concert. I immediately thought of my kid's swim teachers who are the queens of country concerts and wondered if they were also there.  I texted a friend of work and asked if he had heard from any of our ED nurses and he let me know they had all checked in as "safe". As I laid my head on my pillow the tears just kept spilling out as I imagined how scary that must have been and as I thought about all of the people whose lives would never be the same. I scooted over in bed as close as I could get to my hubby without waking him up. I just needed to feel him next to me, to feel safe. Eventually I fell asleep.

When I woke up the next morning it seemed like a dream but I remember being half asleep but telling my husband to listen to the news because there had been a shooting in Vegas. As I drove to Orange County for work I turned on talk radio, hoping to learn more and put the pieces together that I had heard the night before. Story after story reported rising numbers of people dead and hundreds of people wounded. 22 thousand people were there. 58 dead. Over 400 wounded and at local hospitals.

I've been blessed to work in an Emergency Department for almost 8 years now. We are level 1 trauma center which means we get it all. I've seen my team in action and I've seen their strength over the years as they've encountered so much. They've responded with excellence in caring for others involved in our local mass shootings. They've showered families with love and compassion as lives have been lost. They've treated the wounds of thousands, cared for the hearts of many more and day after day they show up and give their best to our patients and their families. Being an ED nurse is hard work! My team has seen so much and yet continues to give.

As I thought about the hundreds of victims of Sunday's shooting, I immediately thought of the local hospitals. There is only one Level 1 trauma center in all of Nevada. An ED only has so many beds, so many nurses and doctors, and hospitals only have so many operating rooms. There are only so many ambulances and paramedics in a given area at any given time.

So many wounded. So many dying. So many people who are scared and needing help. So much unknown and uncertainty.

And yet, all of the first responders stepped up and gave their all.  From having to walk past people begging for help to get to others that may have needed that help more to having to leave others behind because they knew that person wouldn't make it . . . and to have to keep doing that over and over again, trip after trip to the hospital. My heart aches for each of them. I can only imagine the chaos and the crowds at the hospital, the sheer craziness of that ED. And in spite of all of the crazy, I know those nurses and doctors stepped up and did their very best to provide care for the patients being brought to them! How overwhelming and exhausting every second of that last few days have been for them.

My head cannot fathom how or why someone could do something so horrific. What in the world could cause a single person to cause so many deaths and so much heartache? None of the people there will ever be the same. So many families near and far will never be the same. This event shattered so many lives. I hate it.

And so here I am, almost 2 days later, praying for peace because I don't know what else to do or pray for. When the only thing you can do is pray but you don't really even know what to pray, you just trust that God knows best. All I can think of is to pray peace and comfort for all involved, to pray rest for so many tired souls.

 Fear threatens my entire being, causing me to want to stay home forever in order to keep my family safe. And yet I know that hiding and staying home is not the answer. I know God is so much bigger than my fears and than all the bad in the world. I know HE is good. I know HE loves me. And so He calls me to trust Him, to let Him be Lord. He calls me to be a light in this very dark world and to choose love over fear.

Making Lemonade

On November 1st we discovered that our dishwasher was leaking. It had leaked to the extent of causing our laminate flooring to bubble/warp. We called our home-owners insurance and started a claim. We had a restoration service come out to assess the damage and they came to the conclusion that it was a bit damp but not too big of a deal since we had concrete underneath it all. They suggested a dry-out and to replace the flooring, but said it wasn't urgent. Life got busy, Thanksgiving came, we needed to follow up but knew it'd mean making life a bit crazy in order to get floor replaced. We weren't in a hurry.

On November 27th (the day after Thanksgiving) we decided to put up our Christmas tree. We put our Christmas tree up in our playroom as that is where we spend the majority of our time. Usually we have a playhouse in the corner that the kids keep all of their stuffed animals in. When it's time to put the tree up, we empty and disassemble the playhouse to make room for the tree. Well, when we went to take out the stuffed animals so we could disassemble it, we discovered the animals were wet. I initially thought our son had peed in there, but they were really wet. After some investigating, we discovered that our hot-water heater had been leaking and the garage wall, and the playroom floor were soaked as a result.

We called the restoration service back who came out the first time to have them come back out and assess the new damage we had found. They were awful and rude and belittling on the phone so we chose a new company. The lady that came out to assess our damage was amazingly kind and supportive and knowledgeable about insurance and claims and what we needed to do. She was such a breath of fresh air after such a horrible experience with the first company. After an assessment it was determined that we'd need to replace the hot water heater, remove the affected dry wall and insulation in the garage and possible in the playroom and then tear up the carpet.

When the crew came out to prep for drying everything out, they gave us a brief run-down of what they'd be doing and told us they'd be back the next day to get everything started. None of us were going to be home that day so we gave them a key and our blessing to begin. We left the house Friday morning and when I came home with the kids late Friday afternoon I came home to 1/2 of the kitchen cabinets being gone, the sink gone, a counter/bar area in our playroom, drywall removed and studs exposed in 1/2 our kitchen, a chunk of drywall gone in the playroom and 1/2 my house sectioned off by plastic sheeting. Talk about shock!

In order to demo the walls in the garage, they had to remove the hot-water heater. They had to move our washer/dryer in order to tear down the garage dry wall. We ordered the new one a few days later but then had to wait another week to have time to install it. I was very quickly reminded of how much I enjoyed having hot water in my house. Thankfully, our families live close by so we were able to shower at their houses. Hot water is definitely a luxury and I am so thankful!

This was not at all what we had planned or envisioned. We are now 1/2 way through week 4 of no kitchen and it's getting a bit old. Up until last weekend we at least had a little bit of countertop left and a stove...but now we are down to nothing. As we dreamed up our ideal kitchen (since we were going to be starting from scratch), we decided we wanted to knock out a pony-wall and create an open space with lots of countertop. Last weekend my amazing husband tore out the remainder of the cabinets and most of the pony-wall. We finally got an estimate from the insurance company of what they would pay so now we know what our budget is.

Technically, now we can get started moving in a forward direction. . . but it is still going to take forever. Here's our list and order of events:
1. Move gas and electric from pony-wall and onto another wall in the kitchen.
2. Fix sink plumbing so it lays flush in the wall.
3. Have dry-wall guy come out to replace dry-wall and texture wall.
4. Repaint dining room wall and pain kitchen wall matching color.
5. Go to Ikea to make appointment for person to measure and approve our plan/layout.
6. Order kitchen from Ikea and wait for delivery. (no clue how long this takes)
7. Find someone to build/install kitchen.
8. Schedule flooring guy to come out once kitchen is done.
9. Move everything so floor can be installed.
10. Have flooring replaced in 1/2 the house. (Literally, the square footage is just over 1/2 of house)

Initially I thought all this would take a few weeks but here we are 1/2 way through week 4 and I think we have at least another 4 weeks, if not more, to go. It really hasn't been as awful as I thought but there are definitely days where I have had enough.

On the bright side,  I am getting creative with the crockpot in an effort to have "real" food for dinner. Today I cooked ground turkey in it! I've become very grateful for plastic utensils and paper plates/bowls. With my "kitchen" being the top of my dining room table, there is very little to clean. I'm getting really good at rinsing out my coffee cup to reuse it each day. I've mastered doing the few dishes we have in the bathroom sink. We're discovering all sorts of pre-prepared and pre-packaged foods that we never knew about.

In the midst of all the kitchen craziness we've had to have a roofer come out twice to repair leaks to our roof. Both of our cars have needed 2 new front tires and alignments done. I am finally almost caught up on washing the clothes that were piled high for the 2 weeks we were without water . . . now I just have to fold them all!

To say life has been an adventure would be understatement. Despite it all, I have found myself falling more in love with my incredible husband as he has tackled so many projects. I swear he can fix/do anything. I am so thankful for him and how hard he has worked to make sure we were taken care of in the midst of this unplanned remodel! I already knew he was a hard-worker, but have been so inspired by his work-ethic both at home and at his job...he gives 100% and does so without complaining. My heart has been so full of pride and a sense of gratitude for the man that he is. I am so blessed to share my life with him and I am so fortunate to have him by my side. He truly is my better half and all this craziness has reminded me that there is no-one else I would rather do life with!

Someday I will have to post before and after pictures, but for now, I just wanted to get this written down so we can look back and laugh someday!