Las Vegas

Five minutes before I was supposed to clock out of work Sunday night I came across a friend's Facebook post saying that her friend had just messaged saying she was at work at Mandalay Bay and there was a live shooter and she was locked in her office. My friend asked for prayers for her friend. Being me, I googled "live news" and "Mandalay Bay". At that point it was minutes after things had happened and no information was known. I shut down the computer, clocked out and made my way to my car, feeling numb and scared.

On my drive home I called my Mom as usual and she began relaying information she was seeing on the news. As I drove, tears spilled out of my eyes and goosebumps covered my body. I felt so sad, so helpless, so scared for everyone there. I was a state away but thought of the times we had been in that same spot, waiting for a race to start. We had been in that same hotel to see a show.

As I got home I looked at Facebook and saw that several of the nurses I work with were at the concert. I immediately thought of my kid's swim teachers who are the queens of country concerts and wondered if they were also there.  I texted a friend of work and asked if he had heard from any of our ED nurses and he let me know they had all checked in as "safe". As I laid my head on my pillow the tears just kept spilling out as I imagined how scary that must have been and as I thought about all of the people whose lives would never be the same. I scooted over in bed as close as I could get to my hubby without waking him up. I just needed to feel him next to me, to feel safe. Eventually I fell asleep.

When I woke up the next morning it seemed like a dream but I remember being half asleep but telling my husband to listen to the news because there had been a shooting in Vegas. As I drove to Orange County for work I turned on talk radio, hoping to learn more and put the pieces together that I had heard the night before. Story after story reported rising numbers of people dead and hundreds of people wounded. 22 thousand people were there. 58 dead. Over 400 wounded and at local hospitals.

I've been blessed to work in an Emergency Department for almost 8 years now. We are level 1 trauma center which means we get it all. I've seen my team in action and I've seen their strength over the years as they've encountered so much. They've responded with excellence in caring for others involved in our local mass shootings. They've showered families with love and compassion as lives have been lost. They've treated the wounds of thousands, cared for the hearts of many more and day after day they show up and give their best to our patients and their families. Being an ED nurse is hard work! My team has seen so much and yet continues to give.

As I thought about the hundreds of victims of Sunday's shooting, I immediately thought of the local hospitals. There is only one Level 1 trauma center in all of Nevada. An ED only has so many beds, so many nurses and doctors, and hospitals only have so many operating rooms. There are only so many ambulances and paramedics in a given area at any given time.

So many wounded. So many dying. So many people who are scared and needing help. So much unknown and uncertainty.

And yet, all of the first responders stepped up and gave their all.  From having to walk past people begging for help to get to others that may have needed that help more to having to leave others behind because they knew that person wouldn't make it . . . and to have to keep doing that over and over again, trip after trip to the hospital. My heart aches for each of them. I can only imagine the chaos and the crowds at the hospital, the sheer craziness of that ED. And in spite of all of the crazy, I know those nurses and doctors stepped up and did their very best to provide care for the patients being brought to them! How overwhelming and exhausting every second of that last few days have been for them.

My head cannot fathom how or why someone could do something so horrific. What in the world could cause a single person to cause so many deaths and so much heartache? None of the people there will ever be the same. So many families near and far will never be the same. This event shattered so many lives. I hate it.

And so here I am, almost 2 days later, praying for peace because I don't know what else to do or pray for. When the only thing you can do is pray but you don't really even know what to pray, you just trust that God knows best. All I can think of is to pray peace and comfort for all involved, to pray rest for so many tired souls.

 Fear threatens my entire being, causing me to want to stay home forever in order to keep my family safe. And yet I know that hiding and staying home is not the answer. I know God is so much bigger than my fears and than all the bad in the world. I know HE is good. I know HE loves me. And so He calls me to trust Him, to let Him be Lord. He calls me to be a light in this very dark world and to choose love over fear.

Making Lemonade

On November 1st we discovered that our dishwasher was leaking. It had leaked to the extent of causing our laminate flooring to bubble/warp. We called our home-owners insurance and started a claim. We had a restoration service come out to assess the damage and they came to the conclusion that it was a bit damp but not too big of a deal since we had concrete underneath it all. They suggested a dry-out and to replace the flooring, but said it wasn't urgent. Life got busy, Thanksgiving came, we needed to follow up but knew it'd mean making life a bit crazy in order to get floor replaced. We weren't in a hurry.

On November 27th (the day after Thanksgiving) we decided to put up our Christmas tree. We put our Christmas tree up in our playroom as that is where we spend the majority of our time. Usually we have a playhouse in the corner that the kids keep all of their stuffed animals in. When it's time to put the tree up, we empty and disassemble the playhouse to make room for the tree. Well, when we went to take out the stuffed animals so we could disassemble it, we discovered the animals were wet. I initially thought our son had peed in there, but they were really wet. After some investigating, we discovered that our hot-water heater had been leaking and the garage wall, and the playroom floor were soaked as a result.

We called the restoration service back who came out the first time to have them come back out and assess the new damage we had found. They were awful and rude and belittling on the phone so we chose a new company. The lady that came out to assess our damage was amazingly kind and supportive and knowledgeable about insurance and claims and what we needed to do. She was such a breath of fresh air after such a horrible experience with the first company. After an assessment it was determined that we'd need to replace the hot water heater, remove the affected dry wall and insulation in the garage and possible in the playroom and then tear up the carpet.

When the crew came out to prep for drying everything out, they gave us a brief run-down of what they'd be doing and told us they'd be back the next day to get everything started. None of us were going to be home that day so we gave them a key and our blessing to begin. We left the house Friday morning and when I came home with the kids late Friday afternoon I came home to 1/2 of the kitchen cabinets being gone, the sink gone, a counter/bar area in our playroom, drywall removed and studs exposed in 1/2 our kitchen, a chunk of drywall gone in the playroom and 1/2 my house sectioned off by plastic sheeting. Talk about shock!

In order to demo the walls in the garage, they had to remove the hot-water heater. They had to move our washer/dryer in order to tear down the garage dry wall. We ordered the new one a few days later but then had to wait another week to have time to install it. I was very quickly reminded of how much I enjoyed having hot water in my house. Thankfully, our families live close by so we were able to shower at their houses. Hot water is definitely a luxury and I am so thankful!

This was not at all what we had planned or envisioned. We are now 1/2 way through week 4 of no kitchen and it's getting a bit old. Up until last weekend we at least had a little bit of countertop left and a stove...but now we are down to nothing. As we dreamed up our ideal kitchen (since we were going to be starting from scratch), we decided we wanted to knock out a pony-wall and create an open space with lots of countertop. Last weekend my amazing husband tore out the remainder of the cabinets and most of the pony-wall. We finally got an estimate from the insurance company of what they would pay so now we know what our budget is.

Technically, now we can get started moving in a forward direction. . . but it is still going to take forever. Here's our list and order of events:
1. Move gas and electric from pony-wall and onto another wall in the kitchen.
2. Fix sink plumbing so it lays flush in the wall.
3. Have dry-wall guy come out to replace dry-wall and texture wall.
4. Repaint dining room wall and pain kitchen wall matching color.
5. Go to Ikea to make appointment for person to measure and approve our plan/layout.
6. Order kitchen from Ikea and wait for delivery. (no clue how long this takes)
7. Find someone to build/install kitchen.
8. Schedule flooring guy to come out once kitchen is done.
9. Move everything so floor can be installed.
10. Have flooring replaced in 1/2 the house. (Literally, the square footage is just over 1/2 of house)

Initially I thought all this would take a few weeks but here we are 1/2 way through week 4 and I think we have at least another 4 weeks, if not more, to go. It really hasn't been as awful as I thought but there are definitely days where I have had enough.

On the bright side,  I am getting creative with the crockpot in an effort to have "real" food for dinner. Today I cooked ground turkey in it! I've become very grateful for plastic utensils and paper plates/bowls. With my "kitchen" being the top of my dining room table, there is very little to clean. I'm getting really good at rinsing out my coffee cup to reuse it each day. I've mastered doing the few dishes we have in the bathroom sink. We're discovering all sorts of pre-prepared and pre-packaged foods that we never knew about.

In the midst of all the kitchen craziness we've had to have a roofer come out twice to repair leaks to our roof. Both of our cars have needed 2 new front tires and alignments done. I am finally almost caught up on washing the clothes that were piled high for the 2 weeks we were without water . . . now I just have to fold them all!

To say life has been an adventure would be understatement. Despite it all, I have found myself falling more in love with my incredible husband as he has tackled so many projects. I swear he can fix/do anything. I am so thankful for him and how hard he has worked to make sure we were taken care of in the midst of this unplanned remodel! I already knew he was a hard-worker, but have been so inspired by his work-ethic both at home and at his job...he gives 100% and does so without complaining. My heart has been so full of pride and a sense of gratitude for the man that he is. I am so blessed to share my life with him and I am so fortunate to have him by my side. He truly is my better half and all this craziness has reminded me that there is no-one else I would rather do life with!

Someday I will have to post before and after pictures, but for now, I just wanted to get this written down so we can look back and laugh someday!

Week 3

Tomorrow ends week 3 of 1st grade.

It has been a long 3 weeks.

• I've sent at least 5 e-mails to this year's teacher & 2 to last year's.
• I spent 2 hours copying/collating/stapling & a whole 5 minutes in her class.
• I spent 2 hours trying to listen to administrators and teachers share as people all around me thought it'd be better to carry-on their own conversations than listen to those up front.
• I've carried a 2 year old to and from sister's school twice a day for 12 days now.
• I've spent too much time sitting at the table, trying to get homework done with sister while convincing brother not to add his own touches to said homework.
• I've prayed daily that my sweet girl would find joy in each day and then quizzed her on the good she found her in day.
• I've had to remind her daily that she really does want to go to school, that she likes school, that it is a fun place to go.
• I completely forgot about her swimming lessons last week until the next morning.
• I've managed to pack a well-rounded lunch for 12 days now, each day containing a different combination of the same 5 rotations of food. 
• I received a text from Grandma telling me that my daughter got moved down from green and said daughter told her, "My Mom is going to cut my arm off". (Grandma then had a talk with her about why we can't say things like that.) 
• I've had to endure more tears and drama than I can calmly handle. Girls are such drama and apparently 1st grade is exhausting!
• I thankfully remembered picture day. I remembered at the last minute to send a check and made sure to put her in a blue shirt instead of red this year. (oh the joys of uniforms)
• I've consumed way too many cups of coffee and glasses of Coke. (liquid energy anyone?!)
• I've had many people try to convince me the last few weeks that we should change her class, but I'm not convinced. (or maybe I just don't want to be "THAT Mom")
• I've had to daily commit my baby girl to her Maker & King, trusting that HE knows her best and then consciously choose to rest confidently in HIS love and plan for her life.

I'm sure there are many more stories and adventures that I've forgotten, but I am too tired to stay up and capture them. This Mama is tired and worn out and so is everyone else in the family. Who knew this new grade would be so much work!?

Five Minute Friday: Find

Most evenings, once my husband gets home from work, the kids head out to the playground in the backyard while I start to get dinner ready. Usually my daughter is out swinging and my little guy is right below the kitchen window, playing in the water. However, on Wednesday evening, before my husband or I got out to the backyard, my daughter discovered a pair of roller-skates in our garage. They were hand-me-downs she had gotten from her cousin awhile ago but had forgotten about them. I walked into the garage to her putting the skates on her bare-feet (they are the kind that go over your tennis shoes). I told her that now was not the time to roller skate and that she'd need Mommy or Daddy to be out there with her, helping her. 

I work in a pediatric emergency room and I can't tell you the number of kids I see who have fallen from their skates and have a broken arm or wrist. I explained to my daughter that in order to roller-skate, she'd need to have shoes & socks on and she'd have to wear a helmet. I explained to her how it is very easy to get hurt on skates and told her that I'd like her to wait until another day when we could be there with her, to catch her in case she falls. She didn't like my answer. 

She stormed in the house & shut the door to her room. A few minutes later, she came out with her tiny backpack on and told me she was running away. I told her, "be safe and just don't leave the yard". About 20 minutes later dinner was done so I headed to the backyard to round up the kids. I quickly found our son at the water table but when I went out to the playground, my daughter wasn't there. I figured she'd have climbed up the top of the playground and set up camp up there. She wasn't out there. She wasn't on the side-yard, she wasn't hiding in the slide or in our little playhouse. I walked to the other side of the house where the gate was open just slightly. 

My heart begin to beat faster and I couldn't believe I hadn't heard the gate. (Our gate makes an awful noise as it opens as it scrapes the ground.) Just before I got to the gate to look out, I notice her feet sticking out from behind the trashcans, right next to the gate. When I told her that I had found her, she told me all about how she ran away to the light-post (her boundary just up the street) and then once she got there she took out her picture book of our family and decided to come back. When I questioned her about that, she told me, "just kidding". 

I explained to my daughter how sad I would have been if she had truly run away. I tried to explain to her that she could have gotten hurt or kidnapped or attacked by a dog and that I would be so scared if I couldn't FIND her. She told me she was sad that she couldn't roller-skate but she was glad that I had found her. 

Sometimes in life it would be a lot easier to run away when we don't like what we've been given or we don't like the answer from our boss or spouse. But ultimately, we all want to be found. We want to know that we matter, that someone missed us. We want someone to FIND us and pull us out from our hiding, wrap us in their arms, and tell us that we are loved and valuable. Is there anyone in your life who needs to be found? Who needs to know they matter?

Five Minute Friday: Learn

Learn. Such an appropriate word as my oldest went back to school this week. It has been a week of learning for all of us. What are we learning?

I am learning to let go. To let go of control and trust that she will be okay each morning as she finds her way to her line amidst all the big kids.

She is learning to be brave. To let go of my hand and confidently make her way to that line.

I am learning to speak up. To voice my concerns to her teacher and to ask for a little help for my sweet girl and her friends as they adjust.

She is learning to be independent. To be away from her brother who has quickly become her best friend and favorite playmate.

I am learning to be present. To fully listen to her stories. To engage in play with little brother while sister is at school.

She is learning to work hard. To understand and speak more Spanish as she so desperately wants to communicate with her teacher as she is convinced her teacher speaks no English. ;)

I am learning to be disciplined. To run the dishwasher each morning. To wake up early to run or commit to exercise each day...even if it's hot. To find a few minutes to journal and be in the Word.

She is learning to focus on the task at hand. To sit down and get her homework done so she can play. To get herself ready in the mornings. To remember her backpack and necessary things to get out the door.

We are all learning a lot and it has been a big week full of adjusting to a new routine & rhythm. The learning curve won't stop just because the 1st week is over. We will continue to learn to balance life and to find a new way of doing our days. After all, isn't life a constant learning process?!

First Grade

Today begins yet another chapter for our family. My sweet girl starts 1st grade today. Today is her first full-day at school as last year was only 1/2 day. This year was just as hard as last year on this Mama...maybe even harder. It is such a scary/hard thing to entrust your baby to a complete stranger. To trust that this total stranger will love your child, will nurture your child, will embrace what makes them special, and to foster them and grow them into an amazing kid...trust is so hard!

So thankful Daddy got to go in to work late so he could go with us this morning!

As we walked with her on campus I was a bit overwhelmed the chaos. They created a fun environment of red-carpet, balloons, DJ, photo-booth, etc, but there were kids and parents EVERYWHERE! 

We found her teacher and said "hi" but her Spanish was hard to understand. It's so hard as a parent to remain un-biased and to not pass judgement based on 1st-appearances, 1st-meetings, etc. Thankfully, as we waited we got to see her Kinder teacher & give her a big hug...She was a welcomed sight for all of us!  Then we waited some more amongst the chaos and all the kids searching for their teachers and trying to figure out where to line up. Her teacher was the last to make it out to the blacktop so her class was the last bunch trying to squeeze in between the other classes who were already lined up.

But she took it like a champ. She held her head high and went for it. I think I was more nervous and anxious than she was. And so, we let her go once again. We watched her follow her teacher into her classroom and then we walked away. It took everything in me not to let the tears fall, but I reminded myself that ultimately, she isn't mine anyway. She belongs to her Creator, to the King of the Universe, to the one who knows her best and who has BIG plans for her. And so, as we walked away, I surrendered my precious gift once again.

I hope these next 6.5 hours go by quickly!!! I miss her already!!

Five Minute Friday: Here

Today is one of those days where I'd rather be anywhere but HERE.

The day started at 5:30am (the time my son thinks is an acceptable time to wake up) and I knew from the start that it was going to be a long day. It's been one of those days where I swear the kids have been out to make me crazy and get on my every last nerve. They've succeeded. I have been grouchy and tired all day and my attempts at resetting the day haven't worked.

It's been one of those days where I've felt tired and overwhelmed. I should have been cleaning my house as it looks like a tornado touched down. I should've done the dishes since they are piled high on the counter. I should've got more loads through the wash but I still have a mountain of clean clothes waiting to be folded and put away from the last time I decided to tackle the laundry. I should've done a lot of things today, but instead I just wished for a reset, to be taken away from this place, to find peace and quiet...to be anywhere but HERE.

I can't tell you how many times I've check Facebook, Instagram, and e-mail...all attempting to escape the HERE and now. Somehow, reading about other's days and lives lets me escape reality for a bit and pretend that life is not as crazy or hectic. It allows me to zone out for a few minutes and avoid being HERE. Not the greatest way to cope with crazy but sometimes it is so needed. After being followed EVERYWHERE and being whined at, nagged at, told "no", ignored, etc., anywhere but HERE sounds so amazing!

But HERE is where I am. HERE. In the middle of messy and chaotic. In the middle of two kids who are stir-crazy and bored. HERE. HERE in the midst of reality that isn't very pretty or fun on this particular day. But HERE is where HE has placed me and HERE is where I should be. Sometimes it is SO hard to be HERE, to be present in the day-to-day monotony and madness. And yet, even as I write this, I know my attitude needs changing. I know my heart needs to find joy in being HERE, with the amazing kids God has given me, in the house He has blessed us with (no matter how messy it may be), with the life HE has gifted me.

So, HERE I am.

How do you reset when you desperately want to escape being HERE?