So Much Sadness

"Scripture does more than give us permission to express our sadness; it considers grieving losses as central to our spiritual growth. Sadness and loss form important threads in the tapestry of our spiritual lives." (p.103, The Emotionally Healthy Woman) 

I'm not very good at expressing sadness or really many emotions at all. I grew up in a loving family but in one where you just didn't show or share your emotions. I've never been good at expressing my sadness and I most certainly did not let that sadness be known to others. I've always felt embarrassed or ashamed of crying in front of others, I just hate it. 

But honestly, there has been a whole lot to be sad about this past week and even the past month. 1 month ago it was floods in my best friend's town. After that it was another hurricane. After that was an earthquake in Mexico where a friend was on a layover. Just over a week ago, 59 people were killed and 400+ people were wounded by bullets showered down on them at a concert. On Saturday morning my best friend (my husband) left for 6 days. Today yet another fire broke out within 15 miles of my house and my commute home took me 3 hours (it usually takes me 30 minutes). Tonight on the way to my kid's swim lessons we noticed the main street filled with people holding flags for as far as we could see . . . I soon discovered it was part of memorial for a local veteran killed in the Vegas shootings. 

So. Much. Sadness.

I shouldn't have to have conversations with my kids about mass shootings and people dying. I shouldn't have to explain to them each day that their best friend's friend would find a new home as theirs was flooded. My kids shouldn't have to worry about the people evacuated because of the fires and whether or not their best friend still had a house. I shouldn't have to explain to them why they won't be having slumber parties. We live in a broken and hurting world. 

My heart is heavy over all of the loss. The loss of homes, the loss of a quick commute, the loss of lives, the loss of innocence, the loss of routine. 

And yet, I know that God is good. I know that HE is near. I truly believe that His hand is in every single one of these places of sadness or loss. I know that He is good. I know that He is love. I know that HE has been there in the middle of all of this tragedy. And so, I teach my kids these same truths. I tell them over and over about the depth of God's love for them. About how He will NEVER ever EVER leave them, no matter what. I tell them that if they are scared, HE is with them. I tell them that they can cry out to Him any time and He hears them. I remind them over and over and over again that HE IS GOOD. 

As I have cried out to Him this week, especially in song, the tears have spilled out and my heart has been broken. I am so grateful for music and how it allows me to express the feelings in my heart when I don't have my own words to say. The songs speak my heart's cry. The songs cry out to my King and my God, acknowledging His goodness to me. 

And so I am learning to feel. I am learning to let myself be sad and to feel hurt and to be disappointed. I am learning each day about the freedom that comes from feeling deeply. I am learning to lean into my heavenly Father, to let His love wash over me and His peace soothe my soul. You guys, He is good. He is love. He is near. He is here. ALWAYS!

Missing My Better Half

12.5 years ago I said "I do" to the most amazing man! Its crazy to think that way back then I had no clue just how amazing life could be and what it would be like to do life together with someone. I used to think it was weird when people would refer to their boyfriend or spouse as their "best friend", but I obviously hadn't experienced that deep connection yet. I knew being married would be fun and great and wonderful but I had no idea how dependent I would become on my spouse. I had no idea how safe and secure I would feel with him by my side. I had no idea how complete he'd make me and how much I would come to rely on him.

I know it all sounds so sappy but I am so deeply thankful for husband! He is such a gift to me and I am so grateful to do life together with him. He is my better half and he makes me a better person! We have come to walk in-sync with each other, not even really thinking about what to do or what comes next. He picks up where I leave off. He knows me better than anyone else and loves me all the same! He is an incredible Daddy to our kids and is so intentional about loving them and investing in their lives.

I am able to be me because of him. With him by my side I feel safe, confident, loved, and content. He truly is my better half!!! In a crowd, he pulls me close. At a party he includes me and makes me feel a part of the conversation. The nights we are home together he lets me snuggle up and fall asleep mid-show. As we crawl into bed each night he whispers "I love you" as he wraps his arms around me or I nuzzle in next to him. He is my rock, my constant in sometimes crazy and chaotic days and weeks and months. He empowers me to do my best and be my best and does whatever he can to offer support me. He encourages me to dream big and reach far. He listens faithfully as I sort through things and process out loud.

This morning he left at 4am for 6 days out of state. I don't have any clue what to do with myself or my kids without him around. It's so pathetic how unsettled I feel with him gone already! I've left for a few days here and there over the years and he never once complained. Now its his turn and I am dreading these next 6 days alone. This is the longest we've been apart since we've been married and I sure hope the days decide to fly by instead of drag on!!! I know some people single-parent every day and that is their reality but I have come to rely so deeply on this amazing husband of mine that I just feel a little lost without him here!

Five Minute Friday: Story

We all have a story to tell. We all have a unique and God given tale that is uniquely ours.  Some of our stories are happy and have a fairy-tale ending while others are tragic and filled with grief and heartache. The best stories it seems are filled with a little bit of everything . . . happy and sad, good and bad, up and down.

I remember when I was younger wishing I had more of a story to tell. When I'd train with a team for a mission trip we'd each take a night to share our story, our testimony. I can't tell you how boring I thought my story was, how many times I wish I had a bigger story to tell.

My story is simple. I grew up in a loving home with 2 great parents, we went to church, my brother was born when I was 12, I played sports for a bit, I sang on the worship team, I led the Christian club at my high school, I was on leadership at youth group, my Dad was a youth pastor and I was one of the good kids, I went to the college of my dreams, etc. I used to feel like my story didn't measure up. I didn't have a story of extreme transformation or of  near-death experiences. I didn't do drugs. I didn't sleep around. I was really quite boring.

I remember in high school and college, wishing I had more of a story to tell.

Here I am, closer to 40 than 30 and I do have a story to tell. I have a story to tell of God's goodness and faithfulness, of His perfect plan and provision in my life over all these years. I am married to an incredible man who I would not trade for the world. He is my better half and we make one hell of a team together! I am doing a job that I love and get to work with kids and help families each shift. My parents live a mile away and my Mom cares for my kids while I am at work. Speaking of kids . . . mine are incredible! They are good kids and love each other and love life! I am so proud to be their Mom! We own a great little home, have 2 working cars, food in the fridge and closets filled with clothes. We are blessed in every way.

My story may not be filled with miracles and harrowing tales, but it is filled with God's goodness and faithfulness to me. My story is one of normalcy and predictability but it is mine to tell. My story is God's plan for me and how He has made His path and His way known over the years. My story screams of God's faithfulness and for that I am so grateful. Sure there are small chapters of heartache or uncertainty, but that is all part of His plan. HE has walked with me each day, each week, each month, each year. HE is the author of my story and I wouldn't it any other way!

Las Vegas

Five minutes before I was supposed to clock out of work Sunday night I came across a friend's Facebook post saying that her friend had just messaged saying she was at work at Mandalay Bay and there was a live shooter and she was locked in her office. My friend asked for prayers for her friend. Being me, I googled "live news" and "Mandalay Bay". At that point it was minutes after things had happened and no information was known. I shut down the computer, clocked out and made my way to my car, feeling numb and scared.

On my drive home I called my Mom as usual and she began relaying information she was seeing on the news. As I drove, tears spilled out of my eyes and goosebumps covered my body. I felt so sad, so helpless, so scared for everyone there. I was a state away but thought of the times we had been in that same spot, waiting for a race to start. We had been in that same hotel to see a show.

As I got home I looked at Facebook and saw that several of the nurses I work with were at the concert. I immediately thought of my kid's swim teachers who are the queens of country concerts and wondered if they were also there.  I texted a friend of work and asked if he had heard from any of our ED nurses and he let me know they had all checked in as "safe". As I laid my head on my pillow the tears just kept spilling out as I imagined how scary that must have been and as I thought about all of the people whose lives would never be the same. I scooted over in bed as close as I could get to my hubby without waking him up. I just needed to feel him next to me, to feel safe. Eventually I fell asleep.

When I woke up the next morning it seemed like a dream but I remember being half asleep but telling my husband to listen to the news because there had been a shooting in Vegas. As I drove to Orange County for work I turned on talk radio, hoping to learn more and put the pieces together that I had heard the night before. Story after story reported rising numbers of people dead and hundreds of people wounded. 22 thousand people were there. 58 dead. Over 400 wounded and at local hospitals.

I've been blessed to work in an Emergency Department for almost 8 years now. We are level 1 trauma center which means we get it all. I've seen my team in action and I've seen their strength over the years as they've encountered so much. They've responded with excellence in caring for others involved in our local mass shootings. They've showered families with love and compassion as lives have been lost. They've treated the wounds of thousands, cared for the hearts of many more and day after day they show up and give their best to our patients and their families. Being an ED nurse is hard work! My team has seen so much and yet continues to give.

As I thought about the hundreds of victims of Sunday's shooting, I immediately thought of the local hospitals. There is only one Level 1 trauma center in all of Nevada. An ED only has so many beds, so many nurses and doctors, and hospitals only have so many operating rooms. There are only so many ambulances and paramedics in a given area at any given time.

So many wounded. So many dying. So many people who are scared and needing help. So much unknown and uncertainty.

And yet, all of the first responders stepped up and gave their all.  From having to walk past people begging for help to get to others that may have needed that help more to having to leave others behind because they knew that person wouldn't make it . . . and to have to keep doing that over and over again, trip after trip to the hospital. My heart aches for each of them. I can only imagine the chaos and the crowds at the hospital, the sheer craziness of that ED. And in spite of all of the crazy, I know those nurses and doctors stepped up and did their very best to provide care for the patients being brought to them! How overwhelming and exhausting every second of that last few days have been for them.

My head cannot fathom how or why someone could do something so horrific. What in the world could cause a single person to cause so many deaths and so much heartache? None of the people there will ever be the same. So many families near and far will never be the same. This event shattered so many lives. I hate it.

And so here I am, almost 2 days later, praying for peace because I don't know what else to do or pray for. When the only thing you can do is pray but you don't really even know what to pray, you just trust that God knows best. All I can think of is to pray peace and comfort for all involved, to pray rest for so many tired souls.

 Fear threatens my entire being, causing me to want to stay home forever in order to keep my family safe. And yet I know that hiding and staying home is not the answer. I know God is so much bigger than my fears and than all the bad in the world. I know HE is good. I know HE loves me. And so He calls me to trust Him, to let Him be Lord. He calls me to be a light in this very dark world and to choose love over fear.

Making Lemonade

On November 1st we discovered that our dishwasher was leaking. It had leaked to the extent of causing our laminate flooring to bubble/warp. We called our home-owners insurance and started a claim. We had a restoration service come out to assess the damage and they came to the conclusion that it was a bit damp but not too big of a deal since we had concrete underneath it all. They suggested a dry-out and to replace the flooring, but said it wasn't urgent. Life got busy, Thanksgiving came, we needed to follow up but knew it'd mean making life a bit crazy in order to get floor replaced. We weren't in a hurry.

On November 27th (the day after Thanksgiving) we decided to put up our Christmas tree. We put our Christmas tree up in our playroom as that is where we spend the majority of our time. Usually we have a playhouse in the corner that the kids keep all of their stuffed animals in. When it's time to put the tree up, we empty and disassemble the playhouse to make room for the tree. Well, when we went to take out the stuffed animals so we could disassemble it, we discovered the animals were wet. I initially thought our son had peed in there, but they were really wet. After some investigating, we discovered that our hot-water heater had been leaking and the garage wall, and the playroom floor were soaked as a result.

We called the restoration service back who came out the first time to have them come back out and assess the new damage we had found. They were awful and rude and belittling on the phone so we chose a new company. The lady that came out to assess our damage was amazingly kind and supportive and knowledgeable about insurance and claims and what we needed to do. She was such a breath of fresh air after such a horrible experience with the first company. After an assessment it was determined that we'd need to replace the hot water heater, remove the affected dry wall and insulation in the garage and possible in the playroom and then tear up the carpet.

When the crew came out to prep for drying everything out, they gave us a brief run-down of what they'd be doing and told us they'd be back the next day to get everything started. None of us were going to be home that day so we gave them a key and our blessing to begin. We left the house Friday morning and when I came home with the kids late Friday afternoon I came home to 1/2 of the kitchen cabinets being gone, the sink gone, a counter/bar area in our playroom, drywall removed and studs exposed in 1/2 our kitchen, a chunk of drywall gone in the playroom and 1/2 my house sectioned off by plastic sheeting. Talk about shock!

In order to demo the walls in the garage, they had to remove the hot-water heater. They had to move our washer/dryer in order to tear down the garage dry wall. We ordered the new one a few days later but then had to wait another week to have time to install it. I was very quickly reminded of how much I enjoyed having hot water in my house. Thankfully, our families live close by so we were able to shower at their houses. Hot water is definitely a luxury and I am so thankful!

This was not at all what we had planned or envisioned. We are now 1/2 way through week 4 of no kitchen and it's getting a bit old. Up until last weekend we at least had a little bit of countertop left and a stove...but now we are down to nothing. As we dreamed up our ideal kitchen (since we were going to be starting from scratch), we decided we wanted to knock out a pony-wall and create an open space with lots of countertop. Last weekend my amazing husband tore out the remainder of the cabinets and most of the pony-wall. We finally got an estimate from the insurance company of what they would pay so now we know what our budget is.

Technically, now we can get started moving in a forward direction. . . but it is still going to take forever. Here's our list and order of events:
1. Move gas and electric from pony-wall and onto another wall in the kitchen.
2. Fix sink plumbing so it lays flush in the wall.
3. Have dry-wall guy come out to replace dry-wall and texture wall.
4. Repaint dining room wall and pain kitchen wall matching color.
5. Go to Ikea to make appointment for person to measure and approve our plan/layout.
6. Order kitchen from Ikea and wait for delivery. (no clue how long this takes)
7. Find someone to build/install kitchen.
8. Schedule flooring guy to come out once kitchen is done.
9. Move everything so floor can be installed.
10. Have flooring replaced in 1/2 the house. (Literally, the square footage is just over 1/2 of house)

Initially I thought all this would take a few weeks but here we are 1/2 way through week 4 and I think we have at least another 4 weeks, if not more, to go. It really hasn't been as awful as I thought but there are definitely days where I have had enough.

On the bright side,  I am getting creative with the crockpot in an effort to have "real" food for dinner. Today I cooked ground turkey in it! I've become very grateful for plastic utensils and paper plates/bowls. With my "kitchen" being the top of my dining room table, there is very little to clean. I'm getting really good at rinsing out my coffee cup to reuse it each day. I've mastered doing the few dishes we have in the bathroom sink. We're discovering all sorts of pre-prepared and pre-packaged foods that we never knew about.

In the midst of all the kitchen craziness we've had to have a roofer come out twice to repair leaks to our roof. Both of our cars have needed 2 new front tires and alignments done. I am finally almost caught up on washing the clothes that were piled high for the 2 weeks we were without water . . . now I just have to fold them all!

To say life has been an adventure would be understatement. Despite it all, I have found myself falling more in love with my incredible husband as he has tackled so many projects. I swear he can fix/do anything. I am so thankful for him and how hard he has worked to make sure we were taken care of in the midst of this unplanned remodel! I already knew he was a hard-worker, but have been so inspired by his work-ethic both at home and at his job...he gives 100% and does so without complaining. My heart has been so full of pride and a sense of gratitude for the man that he is. I am so blessed to share my life with him and I am so fortunate to have him by my side. He truly is my better half and all this craziness has reminded me that there is no-one else I would rather do life with!

Someday I will have to post before and after pictures, but for now, I just wanted to get this written down so we can look back and laugh someday!

Week 3

Tomorrow ends week 3 of 1st grade.

It has been a long 3 weeks.

• I've sent at least 5 e-mails to this year's teacher & 2 to last year's.
• I spent 2 hours copying/collating/stapling & a whole 5 minutes in her class.
• I spent 2 hours trying to listen to administrators and teachers share as people all around me thought it'd be better to carry-on their own conversations than listen to those up front.
• I've carried a 2 year old to and from sister's school twice a day for 12 days now.
• I've spent too much time sitting at the table, trying to get homework done with sister while convincing brother not to add his own touches to said homework.
• I've prayed daily that my sweet girl would find joy in each day and then quizzed her on the good she found her in day.
• I've had to remind her daily that she really does want to go to school, that she likes school, that it is a fun place to go.
• I completely forgot about her swimming lessons last week until the next morning.
• I've managed to pack a well-rounded lunch for 12 days now, each day containing a different combination of the same 5 rotations of food. 
• I received a text from Grandma telling me that my daughter got moved down from green and said daughter told her, "My Mom is going to cut my arm off". (Grandma then had a talk with her about why we can't say things like that.) 
• I've had to endure more tears and drama than I can calmly handle. Girls are such drama and apparently 1st grade is exhausting!
• I thankfully remembered picture day. I remembered at the last minute to send a check and made sure to put her in a blue shirt instead of red this year. (oh the joys of uniforms)
• I've consumed way too many cups of coffee and glasses of Coke. (liquid energy anyone?!)
• I've had many people try to convince me the last few weeks that we should change her class, but I'm not convinced. (or maybe I just don't want to be "THAT Mom")
• I've had to daily commit my baby girl to her Maker & King, trusting that HE knows her best and then consciously choose to rest confidently in HIS love and plan for her life.

I'm sure there are many more stories and adventures that I've forgotten, but I am too tired to stay up and capture them. This Mama is tired and worn out and so is everyone else in the family. Who knew this new grade would be so much work!?

Five Minute Friday: Find

Most evenings, once my husband gets home from work, the kids head out to the playground in the backyard while I start to get dinner ready. Usually my daughter is out swinging and my little guy is right below the kitchen window, playing in the water. However, on Wednesday evening, before my husband or I got out to the backyard, my daughter discovered a pair of roller-skates in our garage. They were hand-me-downs she had gotten from her cousin awhile ago but had forgotten about them. I walked into the garage to her putting the skates on her bare-feet (they are the kind that go over your tennis shoes). I told her that now was not the time to roller skate and that she'd need Mommy or Daddy to be out there with her, helping her. 

I work in a pediatric emergency room and I can't tell you the number of kids I see who have fallen from their skates and have a broken arm or wrist. I explained to my daughter that in order to roller-skate, she'd need to have shoes & socks on and she'd have to wear a helmet. I explained to her how it is very easy to get hurt on skates and told her that I'd like her to wait until another day when we could be there with her, to catch her in case she falls. She didn't like my answer. 

She stormed in the house & shut the door to her room. A few minutes later, she came out with her tiny backpack on and told me she was running away. I told her, "be safe and just don't leave the yard". About 20 minutes later dinner was done so I headed to the backyard to round up the kids. I quickly found our son at the water table but when I went out to the playground, my daughter wasn't there. I figured she'd have climbed up the top of the playground and set up camp up there. She wasn't out there. She wasn't on the side-yard, she wasn't hiding in the slide or in our little playhouse. I walked to the other side of the house where the gate was open just slightly. 

My heart begin to beat faster and I couldn't believe I hadn't heard the gate. (Our gate makes an awful noise as it opens as it scrapes the ground.) Just before I got to the gate to look out, I notice her feet sticking out from behind the trashcans, right next to the gate. When I told her that I had found her, she told me all about how she ran away to the light-post (her boundary just up the street) and then once she got there she took out her picture book of our family and decided to come back. When I questioned her about that, she told me, "just kidding". 

I explained to my daughter how sad I would have been if she had truly run away. I tried to explain to her that she could have gotten hurt or kidnapped or attacked by a dog and that I would be so scared if I couldn't FIND her. She told me she was sad that she couldn't roller-skate but she was glad that I had found her. 

Sometimes in life it would be a lot easier to run away when we don't like what we've been given or we don't like the answer from our boss or spouse. But ultimately, we all want to be found. We want to know that we matter, that someone missed us. We want someone to FIND us and pull us out from our hiding, wrap us in their arms, and tell us that we are loved and valuable. Is there anyone in your life who needs to be found? Who needs to know they matter?