He Speaks

Last Friday, between 2 patients, I drove my van down to the  beach and sat for a bit. I try to make the long drive to San Clemente worthwhile by taking a few minutes for myself, soaking in the beauty of the ocean. Last week I made myself be still. I literally set a timer for 10 minutes and made myself do nothing other than look at the ocean. 10 minutes felt like FOREVER! Anyway, as I was sitting and watching the waves, I was caught up in watching how the waves would go back out, leaving behind a shadow on the sand as they receded back to the ocean. As I was watching I heard the verse "behold, I am making all things new".

I am not one to "hear" God. I don't know if I've ever clearly heard Him speak, but that day, I really felt like it was Him, speaking hope into my life. I've been at a place of wondering for the past few months and am trying to figure out what it is I want to do with my life. Don't get me wrong, I love my job and I love the career I am in, but the hours I work keep me from being home with my family. I have worked 2:30-11pm 3-4 days a week for 8 years now.

I have always loved having a job AND being a Mom. It's been a really good balance for me to get to do both. The last few months though I have realized that I am only getting to pick my kids up from school 1 day a week. My Mom is taking my daughter to the orthodontist each  month. My parents are taking my kids to Awanas. My husband is taking them to swim. For the first time really, my desire to be present with my kids is outweighing my desire to be at work.

And so I have spent hours dreaming, thinking and searching for what I want to do. I love what I do for work, but not the hours. At my place of employment there aren't any other part-time positions to move to. I've journaled and read and tried to really take time to feel what it is that my heart beats for. What do I love? What makes me come alive? What brings me joy? What would allow me to work but then still be available to pick up my kids and be a part of their daily lives.

Here's what I've come to: I love adventuring with my kids. I want to be the one picking them up from school most days. I want to see my husband daily. I love coaching 100 Mile Club. I want to be a part of a small group. I want to run 3 days a week. I'd love to swim again. I want to live within my means and spend/save money wisely. I want to be a good steward. I want to empower others. I want to take better care of our home. I love being at my daughter's school. I want to take families to Guatemala.

Yesterday I spent HOURS searching the internet for positions/options. I applied at 2 different junior colleges with the thought that I could take some early childhood classes in January in order to open up more options. As I searched and searched nothing came up that was a good fit. I've been saying for a few months now that I should send an e-mail to 2 different people, letting them know that I love what they are about and then let them know that should a position ever open up at their work, I'd love to be there.

Well, yesterday I actually sent a quick message to one of those people and quickly got a response saying I'd be a good fit and she'd keep me in mind as that same day she had a meeting with a corporate sponsor and they were talking about the need for more specialists! Yesterday evening I got another response from another thing I have been thinking about. . . asking me for more information. Um God, is that You?!

I am a very firm believer that God opens and closes doors and I am totally okay with that. Faith comes easy for me and its easy for me to believe that God will put me where He wants me...whether that means staying put and continuing where I am at or trying something new. He knows my heart. He knows my desires. He knows my needs. I feel like He is moving and it is exciting and a bit scary at the same time. But I trust Him. I trust that He is good and He has a plan for me. My job is to be open to how He is moving and to trust in His timing.

God, I'm listening. God I trust you. You are bigger than all my dreams and even all my fears. Whatever comes next, I trust you.

Five Minute Friday: Need

If you have kids, you know all too well the constant list of things they "need". My kids "need" the new Batbot Extreme. They "need" the new Minecraft books. They "need" some more Halloween candy. They "need" to watch the latest YouTube video. They "need" to go to Chuck E. Cheese for lunch. They "need" to do this, that, and the other. If you have kids, you get it. As many times as we have tried to explain the difference between "want" and "need", they continue to beg for the things they "need". It sometimes makes me crazy.

As much as my kids make me crazy with all of the things they "need", I wonder if God ever feels the same way about me?! God, I "need" a new job. God, I "need" a break from my kids. God, I "need" new clothes. God, I "need" more time with my spouse. God, I "need" a bigger house. God, I "need" a nicer backyard. God, I "need" a maid. I could go on and on with the list of things I think I "need" from God.

In His Word, He promises us that He'll meet our needs. Phil. 4:19 says:

" You can be sure that God will take care of everything you need, his generosity exceeding even yours in the glory that pours from Jesus. " (The Message)

"And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus." (NIV)

God knows what we really NEED. He also knows what we WANT. Yes, He really does care about our wants and is faithful to listen to our prayers, but ultimately, what really matters is that He meets our needs. I have a roof over my head, food in my fridge, clothes on my back. My basic needs are met. If He can take care of the birds, the flowers, the whole entire earth . . . He can take care of me. I am learning to trust Him and His timing for all those things I think I "need" but really are more of "wants". He loves me. He is for me. He knows me. He made me. He will meet my needs and I should be thankful and content.

Five Minute Friday: Invite

When I was in Jr. High my school was preschool through 8th grade. When we'd get out of class we'd have to walk by the preschool playground on the way to our next period class. There was one little girl out there who shared my name (which is SO not common) and somehow we became friends through the fence. We'd wave and say "Hi" to each other as I'd walk past. One day as I was walking past she was talking to her little preschool friends and I heard her say, "You're not my friend anymore. I'm not going to invite you to my birthday party." 

Do you remember how important it was to get invites to birthday parties? My kids are 4 and 8 and they get SO excited when they receive an invite to a friend's birthday party, pool party, Halloween party, etc. For them, getting that invite means they have been noticed and chosen. They are important enough to that friend or classmate that they got the invite, they have been invited to be included. They've also been on the other side of things though where they were not one of the lucky few to receive an invite to a classmate's birthday party. Those drives home are tough. We've had countless conversations about how important it is to include others, to make them feel loved, to invite them to join in their game or activity, club, party, etc. 

Now as a grown-up, the invites are few and far between. Most days I am totally okay with that as the introvert in me does not love parties and big groups, but there are still those days where I revert back to those same feelings my kids feel of being left out, forgotten, excluded. There aren't many official invites or parties as an adult, but thanks to social media we are privy to knowing every little thing our friends are engaging in or doing. 

It may not be a party, but maybe it was coffee with the girls or going to see a movie or a play-date at the park for your kids. When social media shows all the fun others are having it is easy to feel sad or left out at not being invited to a certain event, party, night out, etc. Its so easy to let jealousy invade our hearts when we see what we are missing out on. I am so guilty of this. I see my friends busy with their other friends or new friends and I find myself feeling disappointed and lonely and wishing I were invited to be a part of the group. 

Moral of the story? Be intentional about inviting others to be a part of your life. Invite people to coffee. Invite another family over for dinner. Invite a friend to join in your pedicure. Invite your kids to join you in running errands. Invite your spouse on a date. Invite the grandparents to the kid's activities. Invite those closest to you to truly know you and be involved in your minutes, your days, your weeks. We all long to be invited, to be thought of, to be included. 

When's the last time you extended an invitation to someone else? What have you done lately that causes others to feel invited in, loved, and cherished? 

So Much Sadness

"Scripture does more than give us permission to express our sadness; it considers grieving losses as central to our spiritual growth. Sadness and loss form important threads in the tapestry of our spiritual lives." (p.103, The Emotionally Healthy Woman) 

I'm not very good at expressing sadness or really many emotions at all. I grew up in a loving family but in one where you just didn't show or share your emotions. I've never been good at expressing my sadness and I most certainly did not let that sadness be known to others. I've always felt embarrassed or ashamed of crying in front of others, I just hate it. 

But honestly, there has been a whole lot to be sad about this past week and even the past month. 1 month ago it was floods in my best friend's town. After that it was another hurricane. After that was an earthquake in Mexico where a friend was on a layover. Just over a week ago, 59 people were killed and 400+ people were wounded by bullets showered down on them at a concert. On Saturday morning my best friend (my husband) left for 6 days. Today yet another fire broke out within 15 miles of my house and my commute home took me 3 hours (it usually takes me 30 minutes). Tonight on the way to my kid's swim lessons we noticed the main street filled with people holding flags for as far as we could see . . . I soon discovered it was part of memorial for a local veteran killed in the Vegas shootings. 

So. Much. Sadness.

I shouldn't have to have conversations with my kids about mass shootings and people dying. I shouldn't have to explain to them each day that their best friend's friend would find a new home as theirs was flooded. My kids shouldn't have to worry about the people evacuated because of the fires and whether or not their best friend still had a house. I shouldn't have to explain to them why they won't be having slumber parties. We live in a broken and hurting world. 

My heart is heavy over all of the loss. The loss of homes, the loss of a quick commute, the loss of lives, the loss of innocence, the loss of routine. 

And yet, I know that God is good. I know that HE is near. I truly believe that His hand is in every single one of these places of sadness or loss. I know that He is good. I know that He is love. I know that HE has been there in the middle of all of this tragedy. And so, I teach my kids these same truths. I tell them over and over about the depth of God's love for them. About how He will NEVER ever EVER leave them, no matter what. I tell them that if they are scared, HE is with them. I tell them that they can cry out to Him any time and He hears them. I remind them over and over and over again that HE IS GOOD. 

As I have cried out to Him this week, especially in song, the tears have spilled out and my heart has been broken. I am so grateful for music and how it allows me to express the feelings in my heart when I don't have my own words to say. The songs speak my heart's cry. The songs cry out to my King and my God, acknowledging His goodness to me. 

And so I am learning to feel. I am learning to let myself be sad and to feel hurt and to be disappointed. I am learning each day about the freedom that comes from feeling deeply. I am learning to lean into my heavenly Father, to let His love wash over me and His peace soothe my soul. You guys, He is good. He is love. He is near. He is here. ALWAYS!

Missing My Better Half

12.5 years ago I said "I do" to the most amazing man! Its crazy to think that way back then I had no clue just how amazing life could be and what it would be like to do life together with someone. I used to think it was weird when people would refer to their boyfriend or spouse as their "best friend", but I obviously hadn't experienced that deep connection yet. I knew being married would be fun and great and wonderful but I had no idea how dependent I would become on my spouse. I had no idea how safe and secure I would feel with him by my side. I had no idea how complete he'd make me and how much I would come to rely on him.

I know it all sounds so sappy but I am so deeply thankful for husband! He is such a gift to me and I am so grateful to do life together with him. He is my better half and he makes me a better person! We have come to walk in-sync with each other, not even really thinking about what to do or what comes next. He picks up where I leave off. He knows me better than anyone else and loves me all the same! He is an incredible Daddy to our kids and is so intentional about loving them and investing in their lives.

I am able to be me because of him. With him by my side I feel safe, confident, loved, and content. He truly is my better half!!! In a crowd, he pulls me close. At a party he includes me and makes me feel a part of the conversation. The nights we are home together he lets me snuggle up and fall asleep mid-show. As we crawl into bed each night he whispers "I love you" as he wraps his arms around me or I nuzzle in next to him. He is my rock, my constant in sometimes crazy and chaotic days and weeks and months. He empowers me to do my best and be my best and does whatever he can to offer support me. He encourages me to dream big and reach far. He listens faithfully as I sort through things and process out loud.

This morning he left at 4am for 6 days out of state. I don't have any clue what to do with myself or my kids without him around. It's so pathetic how unsettled I feel with him gone already! I've left for a few days here and there over the years and he never once complained. Now its his turn and I am dreading these next 6 days alone. This is the longest we've been apart since we've been married and I sure hope the days decide to fly by instead of drag on!!! I know some people single-parent every day and that is their reality but I have come to rely so deeply on this amazing husband of mine that I just feel a little lost without him here!

Five Minute Friday: Story

We all have a story to tell. We all have a unique and God given tale that is uniquely ours.  Some of our stories are happy and have a fairy-tale ending while others are tragic and filled with grief and heartache. The best stories it seems are filled with a little bit of everything . . . happy and sad, good and bad, up and down.

I remember when I was younger wishing I had more of a story to tell. When I'd train with a team for a mission trip we'd each take a night to share our story, our testimony. I can't tell you how boring I thought my story was, how many times I wish I had a bigger story to tell.

My story is simple. I grew up in a loving home with 2 great parents, we went to church, my brother was born when I was 12, I played sports for a bit, I sang on the worship team, I led the Christian club at my high school, I was on leadership at youth group, my Dad was a youth pastor and I was one of the good kids, I went to the college of my dreams, etc. I used to feel like my story didn't measure up. I didn't have a story of extreme transformation or of  near-death experiences. I didn't do drugs. I didn't sleep around. I was really quite boring.

I remember in high school and college, wishing I had more of a story to tell.

Here I am, closer to 40 than 30 and I do have a story to tell. I have a story to tell of God's goodness and faithfulness, of His perfect plan and provision in my life over all these years. I am married to an incredible man who I would not trade for the world. He is my better half and we make one hell of a team together! I am doing a job that I love and get to work with kids and help families each shift. My parents live a mile away and my Mom cares for my kids while I am at work. Speaking of kids . . . mine are incredible! They are good kids and love each other and love life! I am so proud to be their Mom! We own a great little home, have 2 working cars, food in the fridge and closets filled with clothes. We are blessed in every way.

My story may not be filled with miracles and harrowing tales, but it is filled with God's goodness and faithfulness to me. My story is one of normalcy and predictability but it is mine to tell. My story is God's plan for me and how He has made His path and His way known over the years. My story screams of God's faithfulness and for that I am so grateful. Sure there are small chapters of heartache or uncertainty, but that is all part of His plan. HE has walked with me each day, each week, each month, each year. HE is the author of my story and I wouldn't it any other way!

Las Vegas

Five minutes before I was supposed to clock out of work Sunday night I came across a friend's Facebook post saying that her friend had just messaged saying she was at work at Mandalay Bay and there was a live shooter and she was locked in her office. My friend asked for prayers for her friend. Being me, I googled "live news" and "Mandalay Bay". At that point it was minutes after things had happened and no information was known. I shut down the computer, clocked out and made my way to my car, feeling numb and scared.

On my drive home I called my Mom as usual and she began relaying information she was seeing on the news. As I drove, tears spilled out of my eyes and goosebumps covered my body. I felt so sad, so helpless, so scared for everyone there. I was a state away but thought of the times we had been in that same spot, waiting for a race to start. We had been in that same hotel to see a show.

As I got home I looked at Facebook and saw that several of the nurses I work with were at the concert. I immediately thought of my kid's swim teachers who are the queens of country concerts and wondered if they were also there.  I texted a friend of work and asked if he had heard from any of our ED nurses and he let me know they had all checked in as "safe". As I laid my head on my pillow the tears just kept spilling out as I imagined how scary that must have been and as I thought about all of the people whose lives would never be the same. I scooted over in bed as close as I could get to my hubby without waking him up. I just needed to feel him next to me, to feel safe. Eventually I fell asleep.

When I woke up the next morning it seemed like a dream but I remember being half asleep but telling my husband to listen to the news because there had been a shooting in Vegas. As I drove to Orange County for work I turned on talk radio, hoping to learn more and put the pieces together that I had heard the night before. Story after story reported rising numbers of people dead and hundreds of people wounded. 22 thousand people were there. 58 dead. Over 400 wounded and at local hospitals.

I've been blessed to work in an Emergency Department for almost 8 years now. We are level 1 trauma center which means we get it all. I've seen my team in action and I've seen their strength over the years as they've encountered so much. They've responded with excellence in caring for others involved in our local mass shootings. They've showered families with love and compassion as lives have been lost. They've treated the wounds of thousands, cared for the hearts of many more and day after day they show up and give their best to our patients and their families. Being an ED nurse is hard work! My team has seen so much and yet continues to give.

As I thought about the hundreds of victims of Sunday's shooting, I immediately thought of the local hospitals. There is only one Level 1 trauma center in all of Nevada. An ED only has so many beds, so many nurses and doctors, and hospitals only have so many operating rooms. There are only so many ambulances and paramedics in a given area at any given time.

So many wounded. So many dying. So many people who are scared and needing help. So much unknown and uncertainty.

And yet, all of the first responders stepped up and gave their all.  From having to walk past people begging for help to get to others that may have needed that help more to having to leave others behind because they knew that person wouldn't make it . . . and to have to keep doing that over and over again, trip after trip to the hospital. My heart aches for each of them. I can only imagine the chaos and the crowds at the hospital, the sheer craziness of that ED. And in spite of all of the crazy, I know those nurses and doctors stepped up and did their very best to provide care for the patients being brought to them! How overwhelming and exhausting every second of that last few days have been for them.

My head cannot fathom how or why someone could do something so horrific. What in the world could cause a single person to cause so many deaths and so much heartache? None of the people there will ever be the same. So many families near and far will never be the same. This event shattered so many lives. I hate it.

And so here I am, almost 2 days later, praying for peace because I don't know what else to do or pray for. When the only thing you can do is pray but you don't really even know what to pray, you just trust that God knows best. All I can think of is to pray peace and comfort for all involved, to pray rest for so many tired souls.

 Fear threatens my entire being, causing me to want to stay home forever in order to keep my family safe. And yet I know that hiding and staying home is not the answer. I know God is so much bigger than my fears and than all the bad in the world. I know HE is good. I know HE loves me. And so He calls me to trust Him, to let Him be Lord. He calls me to be a light in this very dark world and to choose love over fear.